Tuesday, August 25, 2009

i'm pathetic

Today is my wonderful husband's birthday. Bryan is 33! Happy birthday, Bryan.

Today should be a day that is all about him but somehow I managed to make it about me and how sorry I feel for myself. I worked so hard, I thought, to make this a special birthday for him. I went the extra mile to get a surround sound speaker system for our TV that has bad sound. I took the kids with me to Best Buy yesterday because they wanted to help me but instead were just crazy running around the store and intentionally kept leaving me. I left the store with nothing and got home late.

Today I thought I will just take some time off work and go to get the gift and get some other groceries to make Bryan's favorite dessert that he asked me to make. Well, I got lost a few times (new area) and eventually made it back to work 2 hours later. No big deal. I got over it after finishing my work. I go to pick up the boys, miss my exit but the boys are happy to see me. I get the boys in the van and they talk me into going to Walgreens to get dad presents from them. Why did I let them do this? It is a sweet idea but it is last minute when I would rather be home or out to dinner with Bryan. All the boys wanted to buy Bryan were toys for themselves. It was very frustrating trying to convince them to buy something that Dad would like or at least something that he would play with them. I didn't let either boy buy something that only he would use. They did get something that they can play with Dad. Bryan pointed out later that it was a good lesson to teach them. But I just wasn't planning on teaching them that lesson then and didn't have the energy to do it. They probably didn't learn the lesson just as they didn't learn it the last 3 times I tried to do this. Maybe next time Bryan should try teaching the boys about giving gifts. Anyway, I get home frustrated that things took so long. Bryan isn't ready to go out to eat. He is cleaning the shower. How frustrating! (Ha, I can't believe myself!) Finally he is available to receive homemade cards and gifts from the boys and then I give him my gift, the speaker system. He really likes it.

We head out to dinner and I clearly need a break but I want to be helpful and make Bryan's job easier because it is his birthday. Bryan even takes the kids to the bathroom for me in the middle of dinner. We are on our way home and I reluctantly ask Bryan if he wants me to put the kids to bed for him (normally his job--he is way better at it than me). He comes up with something to do--put speaker system together--and I put boys to bed. I reluctantly make his dessert which didn't get done until after he left for work tonight.

Now I sit alone thinking how pathetic I am. I can't even let my husband have his day. I know I am overworked and exhausted right now but really, can't I just stuff those feelings for one day. Man, that sure is hard for me. I feel overworked and my husband is the one who cleaned three bathrooms (minus a tub) today, on his birthday. Granted he did go to the driving range and hit golf balls yesterday when he was going to clean the bathrooms. So he knows he made that choice. All I can think about it how he didn't do the dishes while he was at home today...sleeping after working all night. How pathetic...here I go again. I'm so negative.

I have an amazing husband who cleans bathrooms, does dishes and laundry, maybe even he'll vacuum before our guests come over Wednesday night. Bryan is amazing! Sure wish I could quit being so self-focused and give him the appreciation he deserves! Maybe tomorrow.

I know I need some "me" time, alone time, hobby time, time without the kids. It is so clear but it is not coming soon enough.

Happy birthday, Bryan, from your pathetically, loving wife! Thanks for loving me with all my faults.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

recap of my day

A lot of stuff happened today. I feel like I went through a lot of highs and lows all in one day. Feeling a little emotional. I really should just sleep but blogging helps me process.

1. Took kids to school. Shortened Clay's tantrum about not eating breakfast at home. He was crying because he didn't want to eat in the van or at school. Jaden said, "I think Clay doesn't want to go to preschool." Probably right--too bad. It is for his own good because mommy needed it. Happy mom is necessary to have happy kids.
2. Met with my pastor. I love Upper Room and Kurt is so encouraging! Discussing ministry plans and how I will get involved.
3. Went to piano lessons and spent an hour and a half (only paid for 30 minutes) talking and learning with Hestia! She has so much to say and I love talking with her. It brings me joy!
4. Went home to get Bryan to go for lunch when he had to show me the caulking job he did in the bathrooms. I ended up critiquing him way too much and feeling bad that I didn't like his work and that I didn't appreciate what he had done. Bad wife. He knew I would react that way but I wish I could have just viewed it on my own and held my tongue until I let it settle in and let him finish the job.
5. Had lunch with Bryan. Tried to get over my ridiculous emotions attached to the caulk. Then had a great time sharing my life stories with Bryan from the last few days that we haven't seen each other. I worked days and he worked evenings so we have been missing each other.
6. Bryan left for work and I picked up the kids. We headed out to the Minnesota Arboretum--my new favorite place! We explored a new area and there were so many cool things built out of sticks. Jaden carried a big stick around on our hike. I got 3 big mosquito bites, ugh! Still itchy.
7. Listened to my mother-in-law and the load of stuff that she is carrying around on her shoulders. Praying that she gets some relief from the Healer.
8. Ate dinner at Culver's where I got puked on by Clay after he swallowed his first bite of hot dog (cut down the middle) without chewing it. Apparently the hot dog injured his throat or esophagus and he couldn't deal with it so he threw up. It was quite intentional and I tried calming him down but no luck. He threw up all over his food, the table, his pants, the floor, his hands and my hands. Not fun but we did get a new kids meal with another free ice cream on it. We saved it to use later.
9. Gave kids a bath without any toys after way too much splashing!
10. Yelled at Bryan on the phone for saying that mini-golf is too expensive for the 4 of us to do tomorrow afternoon. This even shocked the boys--I was trying to put them to bed and was really wishing that Bryan was here to do that job. I think we might go mini-golfing by our house in the afternoon, well, that is if I don't end up finishing the caulking job because Bryan is ticked at me. Thankfully, Bryan is very forgiving and I am pretty good at apologizing.
11. Listened to Bryan's sister's relationship troubles. Dating and finding a mate is hard work sometimes. Sure glad I already found mine!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Am I a camper?

Last night I spent the night in a tent in my yard with my two boys. Bryan stayed inside the house with his family who is here visiting. Bryan didn't want to risk hurting his back or dealing with allergies and had to get up early to go to the PGA Championship. That was fine with me.

I am not completely sure how I ended up being a camper last night. I am sure there are campers out there that think last night does not make me a camper but I sure feel like one. I have always thought of myself as a hotel girl, not a tent girl. Jaden has been talking about camping and tents and the forest more and more. I knew that Bryan's mom had a tent so I thought it might be fun to go camping in our own yard. So that started the chain reaction that led to me sleeping in a tent without air conditioning when it was about 90% humidity and 80 degrees outside. The air mattress ended up deflating overnight so that is why we are not out there tonight. I actually enjoyed the peaceful night in the tent. The weather was quite similar to Honduras and it was relaxing.

I did not ever plan on becoming a camper but I may end up taking it up for the boys. I love finding out Jaden and Clay's interests and running with them. I think that quality is something I value in other people; when they care about my interests. I want to care about my kids' interests and passions no matter what they are. I truly look forward to falling in love with things in life that I never would have unless my kid's loved them first. Camping may be the first hobby I take up for my kids but it surely won't be the last.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

You know you work on weapons when...(#3)

My work supports warfighters. I wish that my work supported peace-pushers.

I work on a close combat system. Someday I will work on a near-Earth system or maybe even IN low Earth orbit.

I help design intelligent munitions. I would rather be designing intelligent spacecraft.

There has been much talk lately about the kill zone at work regarding different weapons. Not sure if anyone deserves to be killed. That doesn't sound like sharing God's grace to me. Also not sure if a world without war is possible. I sure wish it could happen. Just like I wish that no one had to go hungry and everyone could feel contentment, feel joy and feel God's forgiveness and love. I am praying for contentment and joy and renewed passion in my life. My husband sure knows I could use it.

Monday, August 10, 2009


Just watched the movie, The Soloist. So good and so moving. It is about a journalist that befriends a homeless man with unbelievable musical talent in playing the cello.

I have had a heart and passion for homeless individuals since I wrote a report on it in 7th grade. A passion grew out of the research that I discovered and the numbers astounded me.

I want to be a friend to the homeless. I want to know what they go through and help them. I want to help them live better in whatever that means to each individual. I love hearing people's stories of how they got to where they are and homeless people have great stories to tell.

Back in May, Bryan and I helped out with Homeless Connect in Minneapolis. I attempted to help a man that still haunts me in a good way. I think of him often and pray for his life. I hope that someday, somehow I will see him again. I wish that I could have a relationship with him. Maybe someday I will have a friendship with a homeless person. I look forward to that day. I know that relationship would transform me and hopefully it would benefit everyone involved.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

something to smile about

1. As I was leaving the kids’ preschool this morning, Jaden pounded on the window overlooking the parking lot. He got my attention and waved. I waved back and headed to my van. He pounded again and blew me a kiss. I blew one back. So sweet! Love that boy! I also got a second hug from Clay on the way out.

2. In passing, a coworker of mine asked me, “Are you having fun yet?” I responded with yes, without evening thinking about it. He then said, “Quit lying.” Then caught himself and said, “Well, you probably are having fun, aren’t you?” Again, I said yes but with thought behind it. Glad to know that people (or at least one person) thinks I am enjoying my job. I may not love my work but I do enjoy working and enjoy the people that I get to spend my time with while I’m working.

van mishaps

Van mishaps (as of Monday):

1. 1. 1. About 2 months ago the wind blew a grocery cart off of the sidewalk and it hit hard against my van passenger side.

2. 2 2. About a week ago, I hit a curb (on the way to the Children’s Museum) going about 40 mph and had to replace 2 flat tires, a rim, a hubcap (driver’s side) and a third tire to even out the tread.

3. Today (Monday) a dump truck’s wheel blew out beside me (passenger side) on the road to work, going about 60 mph. It was so loud I thought there should be some damage. So far there is nothing I can see. It sure did stink like rubber. I was afraid of damage to the only tire that wasn’t replaced last week.

Not sure what these mishaps are trying to tell me but I sure want this bad luck streak to end.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

anniversary, part uno

Here is a picture from last night of us before we went on lots of scary and fun rides at Valleyfair. No kiddie rides allowed!

The yellow and blue ride (on the left) was the last one of the night (Steel Venom) and it about did Bryan in! Poor thing! He did choose Valleyfair but wishes that he didn't get motion sickness. I had a blast and am so glad we did this. Huge thanks to my brother and his wife (Kirk and Chrystine) for taking our boys at the last minute!

Can't wait for Part Dos of our anniversary. I think every anniversary should include an overnight away from your house. It can't come soon enough. I'm sure I will blog about our adventure later.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

11 years with my love, Bryan

Today is my wedding anniversary. I am excited to be celebrating this day with the man I love!

To Bryan,
I still love every day that I get to be with you! There has not been a day that I wish I could have lived without you in these last 11 years. You have made everything in my life better (even the crying times) and made it more fun and more meaningful. You can get me to laugh like no one else. You know what I like and what I want more than anyone else. You can also bring me to tears but thankfully you are good at patching things up. I love going through life with you and I continue to look forward to our years together in the future!

I love processing life with you. You help me dream and live the fulfilled life that God wants for us. Thanks for giving me space to change and dream and grow. I know that it's not always easy when my dreams don't match what you want but I love that you want to work it out together.

Thanks for continually seeing the best in me. When I am at my worst, you know that I am better than that and encourage me to figure out what I need at that moment. You see me for what I have grown to be and who I can grow to become in the future. Thanks for loving me through all of life's changes.

Today is something to celebrate and I am glad we will finally get to do something even though it has not been what I planned.

This is my year to plan the anniversary surprise and hopefully it will live up to your expectations. I know that I need to decrease my expectations and let stuff go. After calling about 15 babysitters that were unable to watch out kids, Chrystine and Kirk, are able to watch them because the baby shower they were hosting got canceled due to the mother going into labor.

So, we have two options for part uno of our anniversary celebration:
1. Head out to Valleyfair for the evening and have fun going on rides together.
2. Dinner at a new, authentic Italian (our favorite food) restaurant, Arezzo Ristorante, and an outdoor concert at Lake Harriet.

Part dos of our anniversary will be an overnight away from the kids (when you don't work the next day) and Kirk and Chrystine can watch the boys. Details will be a surprise later.

Let's go have some fun!

Love you lots,