Saturday, October 25, 2008

frustrated mom

Kids will wear you out. Well, they wear me out. My boys can bring me so much laughter and joy but also so much frustration and endless struggle.

My frustration comes today after numerous timeouts with both boys for doing repeated things that they know are wrong. Then Clay pooped in his underwear. That was all I could take. I just had to yell in disgust in the air. The boys laugh at their crazy mom.

I made the boys go play in the toy room now so mommy can get a break. I told them to pray for me to not yell and be nice to them.

I am having problems with my own selfishness. I am dealing with letting go of all my own desires. My desires of leaving the house to do something fun. My desires of getting somewhere on time and maybe even early for once. I know I am a selfish person and I need to let go of those things that are really just for me, or mostly for me.

Today I wanted to get out of the house to take the boys to a Halloween Big Tent party in front of a local grocery store. Jaden clearly let me know that he didn't want to go but I think I should be able to change his mind. Maybe him and Clay acting out is how they are trying to get me not to take them.

Maybe we will still go but just an hour later than I wanted to leave. We'll see what happens when I get off the computer.

I am struggling with selfishness. I know that kids will try to beat every selfish desire out of you until there is nothing left of you. How do I continue to know who I am but let go of the selfishness? It seems like I am losing the knowledge of what I like, what I enjoy, my character, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses and who I thought I was.

This is not a new battle for me. I have had this battle going on since I had kids. Almost 4 years now. The battle for loss of selfishness and knowing myself is a tough one for me. I know it is impossible to get rid of all selfishness but I wish I didn't have to feel like it was such a struggle. I may never feel that so maybe I just need to get ok with my struggle. I need to learn to let go of my own will more, especially when it comes to my kids. I will still discipline them but I am talking about all the other areas. What I want them to wear. When I want them to do something. When I want to leave. When I want to go. What I want them to learn. Let it go...

1 comment:

Teresa said...

Don't let Mom Guilt wear you DOWN! You are a FANTASTIC mom--taking care of yourself does NOT make you a selfish mom....

I understand the struggles.... remember I am home in the afternoons b/c I work part time...Call me. I am tempted to call you daily on my way home from work--usually around 1:00 but don't want to bug you if you are busy with the boys.

I miss you so much Friend :)