I long to stop yelling at my kids. I know it is wrong and I know that I should be able to control myself.
I am really writing this pretending that no one is reading because it is truly embarassing that I yell at my kids.
I knew that today would be difficult for me and the kids. We didn't have anything planned to do today except hangout at home. I admit I have been a little depressed because I feel like I haven't had enough of a break from the kids, I am sad because my job search isn't going anywhere that I want it to, and my kids were already getting on my nerves the last few days. I am also low on adult conversation lately.
I really would have liked them to just play by themselves downstairs for awhile this morning but they wouldn't cooperate. Instead I ended up trying to get some things done upstairs with them constantly begging and whining for my attention. We did do some things together like throw the dirty laundry over the stairs, put a puzzle together, do lots of tracing, stickers and cutting but through it all they greatly annoyed me and whined and cried all the more.
I am happy they are down for a nap now but they still need to fall asleep. I really didn't want to blog about this because I feel like I have blogged about this too many times. Days like this remind me that I should be with my kids less and go back to work. I know that God is teaching me through these days I call difficult but I know he can still teach me if I am working. I also think I will have more patience for my kids then. I already see it now when I get enough time away from my kids and stimulation for my brain, I am more understanding of my kids.
This is even more saddening because throughout January I thought many times how much more I have been enjoying staying at home with my kids. I say that figuratively because we don't stay at home that much but I am with them almost continually. The last two weeks have been tough on me. I have been waiting to have a good day with the kids because I really wanted to blog about enjoying my time with them but I didn't do it while I still had those feelings. I know they will return but I haven't felt them for a little while. I know that it doesn't help that my kids have been sick for awhile and are finally starting to feel better. It also doesn't help that they still haven't been sleeping well since they were sick. It seems to take them a little while to get back into a good sleeping routine after they have been sick. Last night they were up 3 times between the 2 of them. The night before that they both slept through the night but that was a rare blessing right now.
I keep praying for God to shift my focus and give me patience and a quiet voice. I pray for a few easier days ahead.