marriage is worth the effort

Bryan and I recently got back from an 8 night trip to the Big Island, Hawaii, Hawaii! It was the trip of a lifetime! We left the boys in Fargo, ND with their grandparents and other family members and we had 11 days without them! That was the longest we have ever left them. I missed them more than I expected. It was so great to be reunited with them.

We decided to take a big trip over our anniversary this year because we knew we needed to do something special to boost our marriage and continue the recuperation from foster care. We celebrated our 14th anniversary on August 1st. We hadn't initially planned to do something big for year 14 but after everything we have been through in the last year, we knew we needed it. We talked about going many different places but in the end, we chose Hawaii. This was Bryan's year to plan the excursion since we take turns every other year. (Next year I get to plan a trip to London for our 15th anniversary, which has been the hope for many years.) Bryan planned an amazing trip to Hawaii filled with lots of snorkeling and volcanoes, along with some great places to stay. We did a lot on this trip but it was a long trip so it didn't seem too filled up.

We started out the trip exploring some beaches, swimming/snorkeling with sea turtles and watching the manta rays at night. We took a helicopter ride (checked off of my life goal list) over an active volcano, Kilauea, and got to see lots of red, hot lava. We did some hiking and driving around volcanoes. We explored the rainforest and saw many waterfalls. We played on black sand beaches and hiked to a green sand beach. We spent time relaxing on white sand beaches, surrounded by lava rock. We saw more lava rock than we thought possible. We also took a tour up Mauna Kea (inactive volcano) for a beautiful view of the sunset surrounded by gigantic telescopes. While there we enjoyed staring at the stars in the clear sky and high elevation (14,000 ft) and looking through an 11" telescope at some things we had never seen before in the night sky. We also included some local shopping and a snorkel/boat trip on our trip. It truly was an amazing trip!

Bryan and I have returned refreshed and loving life. There is no doubt that this boosted our marriage and made it better. This trip was not easy, especially for Bryan who did the planning, and it wasn't cheap. We invested a lot of time and money into this trip but it was all to make our marriage better. Our investment is paying off. We are huge proponents of taking time away from your kids to keep your marriage heading in the right direction.

After this trip, we are even more convinced that our marriage is worth investing in to make it better. Our marriage is great but it has also been a lot of work. We have been working at it for 14 years. We have learned that if we keep working at our marriage to improve it, then it won't go bad. We want to keep things moving in the right direction...to greater love, intimacy and commitment and further away from separation and divorce. There have been times when we haven't put the effort into our marriage and it showed. We both are fully aware that marriage isn't easy. It is not easy to stay in love and keep the romance alive. A great marriage takes effort and it is so worth it! Take some time...be creative...add a little spark back into your marriage!

loving my Bryan for 13+ years

August 1st is my wedding anniversary! I have been married to the wonderful, amazing, brilliant and loving Bryan Jarabek for 13 years. This year was my turn to plan our anniversary celebration. I planned the 2 day, one night excursion all around Minneapolis. Last year we celebrated in St. Paul so I thought we needed to give equal time to the twin city...really I just love the city.

We were so blessed to have my brother and sister-in-law take our boys for us overnight. We dropped the boys off and headed for Lake Calhoun in Minneapolis. We ended up getting a two person paddle boat to take around Lake Calhoun and Lake of the Isles. We mostly hung out in the shade and had a great conversation. It was a great, relaxing way to start our time together. Then we headed to check into our hotel, Aloft, in downtown. It was a sleek modern hotel. I loved it but Bryan said it had more of a business feel to it, but enjoyed it anyway. I got a great deal on it which made it even better. We got appetizers and drinks at Spoon River. Then we went to a play at the Guthrie (God of Carnage--so funny!) that evening and had a delicious meal at Vic's, along with a nice walk along the river. We slept in a little on Monday, August 1st, our anniversary. Then we got an early lunch at Northeast Social that was tasty and quick. After that we headed to a boat tour on the Mississippi River. We got a little rained on but it was still a fun tour. Our tour ended a little early due to the massive storm in the area. We still had more time before we had to pick up the boys so we checked out the Mill City Museum and got some hot drinks from Caribou Coffee. Lots of good food and new restaurants in two days!

That sounds like a packed 2 days without the boys but it was actually very relaxing and wonderful. We picked up the boys at 4:30 and are back to life as usual. Dinner at home. Bedtime routine with the boys. And snuggle time on the couch with Bryan. I love having Bryan all to myself!

12th anniversary

I have the greatest husband ever! He surprised me with one of my life goals...to go skydiving. We took the big jump last Friday, at the start of our anniversary weekend together.

We had an awesome weekend at the St. Paul Hotel in downtown St. Paul. It is beautiful and they gave us an upgrade to a suite for free! We also got to go to Cory and Mel's wedding on Saturday! They are great friends of ours from our church meal group. Then on Sunday Bryan got us tickets to see A Streetcar Named Desire at the Guthrie in Minneapolis. All of this was made possible while my brother and his family took care of our boys. That was such a treat. Thanks guys!

Bryan and I take turns planning our anniversaries and this year was his turn. Here is a list of what we have done in case anyone is looking for some ideas for their own anniversaries or to spoil your spouse.

11. Valleyfair
10. Paris beforehand (Day of: in Honduras with homemade cookies in the shape of a 10 and fresh picked flowers, new DVD of wedding, swimming date to a waterfall)
9. Lanesboro, MN B&B
8. Moon/Space room at theme hotel in Burnsville, MN
7. Red Wing, MN at the St. James Hotel; exploring rural MN
6. New York City (romantic dinner, lots of walking, Central Park carriage ride, The Lion King)
5. Italy beforehand (Day of: outdoor orchestra concert of cartoon music and picnic meal)
4. Hot air balloon ride in VA
3. Horseback riding in a park in DC
2. Hotel in downtown DC with room service dinner replicating what we had the day we got engaged in DC.
1. Houston, TX for me to go on Vomit Comet; dinner with 2 other college guys. This is what probably spurred us on to do something different next year.

so, I should be in bed...

but Bryan is working late (till midnight) and I am enjoying the fact that I don't work tomorrow. I haven't blogged in almost a week and wish that I had something to say. There are probably too many things to say because I haven't taken time to write about them but here is what is on my mind now.

Bryan and I are enjoying a time of marital bliss, well, almost. We are just really enjoying each other. I am a highly critical person so this is very difficult and unusual for me. We did go to a marriage conference (Song of Solomon) last weekend which helped. And we did have a retreat (Afton House Inn) without the kids last week and I'm sure that helped too. But more than both of those things, I think we are settling into our marriage and enjoying it more than ever.

I heard on Saturday at the conference that couples settle in to really like each other between years 9 and 14. I feel like we hit that point. We are married 11 1/2 years and we are there. I finally feel like I am over trying to change Bryan and make him into what I wish. I really like him, respect him, admire him and love him. Whenever older couples would tell me that the key in marriage is to stop trying to change your spouse and truly accept them. I would think to myself that I am not trying to change him. I just want him to be better and he has to change himself. I now realize that there is a difference in wishing for a better version of someone and just liking who they already are. I like Bryan. That is not to say that he is without flaw; no one is. He is Bryan and he is mine. I love him and can't wait to feel more comfortable with him over the additional years to come.

We started implementing a new rule in our house. No more computers after we put the boys to bed. We only do things together. Talk about our day, read together or work on whatever we want...together. It has been great and we both look forward to it every night.

i'm pathetic

Today is my wonderful husband's birthday. Bryan is 33! Happy birthday, Bryan.

Today should be a day that is all about him but somehow I managed to make it about me and how sorry I feel for myself. I worked so hard, I thought, to make this a special birthday for him. I went the extra mile to get a surround sound speaker system for our TV that has bad sound. I took the kids with me to Best Buy yesterday because they wanted to help me but instead were just crazy running around the store and intentionally kept leaving me. I left the store with nothing and got home late.

Today I thought I will just take some time off work and go to get the gift and get some other groceries to make Bryan's favorite dessert that he asked me to make. Well, I got lost a few times (new area) and eventually made it back to work 2 hours later. No big deal. I got over it after finishing my work. I go to pick up the boys, miss my exit but the boys are happy to see me. I get the boys in the van and they talk me into going to Walgreens to get dad presents from them. Why did I let them do this? It is a sweet idea but it is last minute when I would rather be home or out to dinner with Bryan. All the boys wanted to buy Bryan were toys for themselves. It was very frustrating trying to convince them to buy something that Dad would like or at least something that he would play with them. I didn't let either boy buy something that only he would use. They did get something that they can play with Dad. Bryan pointed out later that it was a good lesson to teach them. But I just wasn't planning on teaching them that lesson then and didn't have the energy to do it. They probably didn't learn the lesson just as they didn't learn it the last 3 times I tried to do this. Maybe next time Bryan should try teaching the boys about giving gifts. Anyway, I get home frustrated that things took so long. Bryan isn't ready to go out to eat. He is cleaning the shower. How frustrating! (Ha, I can't believe myself!) Finally he is available to receive homemade cards and gifts from the boys and then I give him my gift, the speaker system. He really likes it.

We head out to dinner and I clearly need a break but I want to be helpful and make Bryan's job easier because it is his birthday. Bryan even takes the kids to the bathroom for me in the middle of dinner. We are on our way home and I reluctantly ask Bryan if he wants me to put the kids to bed for him (normally his job--he is way better at it than me). He comes up with something to do--put speaker system together--and I put boys to bed. I reluctantly make his dessert which didn't get done until after he left for work tonight.

Now I sit alone thinking how pathetic I am. I can't even let my husband have his day. I know I am overworked and exhausted right now but really, can't I just stuff those feelings for one day. Man, that sure is hard for me. I feel overworked and my husband is the one who cleaned three bathrooms (minus a tub) today, on his birthday. Granted he did go to the driving range and hit golf balls yesterday when he was going to clean the bathrooms. So he knows he made that choice. All I can think about it how he didn't do the dishes while he was at home today...sleeping after working all night. How pathetic...here I go again. I'm so negative.

I have an amazing husband who cleans bathrooms, does dishes and laundry, maybe even he'll vacuum before our guests come over Wednesday night. Bryan is amazing! Sure wish I could quit being so self-focused and give him the appreciation he deserves! Maybe tomorrow.

I know I need some "me" time, alone time, hobby time, time without the kids. It is so clear but it is not coming soon enough.

Happy birthday, Bryan, from your pathetically, loving wife! Thanks for loving me with all my faults.

anniversary, part uno

Here is a picture from last night of us before we went on lots of scary and fun rides at Valleyfair. No kiddie rides allowed!

The yellow and blue ride (on the left) was the last one of the night (Steel Venom) and it about did Bryan in! Poor thing! He did choose Valleyfair but wishes that he didn't get motion sickness. I had a blast and am so glad we did this. Huge thanks to my brother and his wife (Kirk and Chrystine) for taking our boys at the last minute!

Can't wait for Part Dos of our anniversary. I think every anniversary should include an overnight away from your house. It can't come soon enough. I'm sure I will blog about our adventure later.

11 years with my love, Bryan

Today is my wedding anniversary. I am excited to be celebrating this day with the man I love!

To Bryan,
I still love every day that I get to be with you! There has not been a day that I wish I could have lived without you in these last 11 years. You have made everything in my life better (even the crying times) and made it more fun and more meaningful. You can get me to laugh like no one else. You know what I like and what I want more than anyone else. You can also bring me to tears but thankfully you are good at patching things up. I love going through life with you and I continue to look forward to our years together in the future!

I love processing life with you. You help me dream and live the fulfilled life that God wants for us. Thanks for giving me space to change and dream and grow. I know that it's not always easy when my dreams don't match what you want but I love that you want to work it out together.

Thanks for continually seeing the best in me. When I am at my worst, you know that I am better than that and encourage me to figure out what I need at that moment. You see me for what I have grown to be and who I can grow to become in the future. Thanks for loving me through all of life's changes.

Today is something to celebrate and I am glad we will finally get to do something even though it has not been what I planned.

This is my year to plan the anniversary surprise and hopefully it will live up to your expectations. I know that I need to decrease my expectations and let stuff go. After calling about 15 babysitters that were unable to watch out kids, Chrystine and Kirk, are able to watch them because the baby shower they were hosting got canceled due to the mother going into labor.

So, we have two options for part uno of our anniversary celebration:
1. Head out to Valleyfair for the evening and have fun going on rides together.
or
2. Dinner at a new, authentic Italian (our favorite food) restaurant, Arezzo Ristorante, and an outdoor concert at Lake Harriet.

Part dos of our anniversary will be an overnight away from the kids (when you don't work the next day) and Kirk and Chrystine can watch the boys. Details will be a surprise later.

Let's go have some fun!

Love you lots,

Raquel

missing my side by side

This past Sunday as I was waiting for Bryan to arrive at church after working all day, I was reminded of one of the things I loved about Rochester. When we lived there, I was part of an amazing group of women, Side By Side. It was a Christian ministry for wives of doctors at every stage of training and beyond. Some people might think that doctor's wives have easy lives, so why do they need a ministry. It took me awhile to realize the answer to this also. During residency, I quickly realized that when your husband is at the hospital all the time, life is not easy or fun.

The women of Side By Side helped make my life more enjoyable in so many ways. The best thing about the group was just knowing that people could relate to your life. They knew that your husband would have to work long hours, many days and have little time off. They also knew that when he was off, he would still have work to do and would be thinking about patients all the time. When his mind wasn't occupied, he was so sleep deprived that he couldn't be "present." They understood it was hard and at times, impossible, for your husband to go to church with you. That was what I was reminded of this Sunday and last. Last Sunday I attended church without Bryan because he had to work that evening. This past Sunday, I was lucky enough to have Bryan meet me at church after working a long day. I was still glad to have him there even though he was late. My eyes teared up as I thought about Bryan not being with me at church. It was now so great to have him at my side. There is just something special and spiritual about having the man you are "one" with share in your spiritual journey.

good but chaotic life

The last couple of days have been days that go by so quickly that you don't realize what all has happened until you reflect on it. Our life has been full of chaos.

Clay has had so many peeing accidents, I lost track. Not sure what is going on there because he has been doing so good for the last few weeks. Last evening topped it off with an accident in the carseat with his underwear and pants soaked, the carseat cover soaked and the seat of our van soaked. How lovely.

Add to that, emotional stress from seeing Bryan's sister on Saturday with all of her issues right now. And seeing her with tired and cranky, sugared-up kids at the Mall of America during afternoon naptime.

Yesterday I had a lot to get done and was doing dishes and laundry and email and trying to entertain my misbehaving children. I finally got a shower around noon and about halfway through my shower the water went ice cold. I thought I had just used up all the hot water, no big deal, just get out, soon!

A few hours later after going grocery shopping and putting the kids down for naps, I was making some soup (for scrapbooking retreat) and realized that there was no hot water coming out of the facet when I needed it. Maybe I just didn't run it long enough but we had to leave for church. The more I thought about it, maybe we really didn't have hot water, the clothes kept coming out freezing cold out of the washing machine which seemed a little odd. I started thinking we really had no hot water and our water heater was broken.

Bryan met us at church after working Sunday. This was his weekend to work which probably made Saturday and Sunday more chaotic. He casually tells me as we are trying to find a seat that his boss has been trying to get him fired.

Wow, I thought, God is sure taking care of us (not sarcastically). Amidst the turmoil and interhospital problems that Bryan has been having, he had no idea that his boss disliked him that much. It was kind of nice to not know that for the last 3 months, his boss had been spreading the word about how much she disliked Bryan. We were really clueless and it wasn't bad.

We really do know that God is taking care of us because Bryan's boss has now been removed from her position and a new leader is in place now. The old boss has lots of character issues and her wanting to remove Bryan was just the last straw for a lot of people at the hospital. It was just enough for everyone to realize that she needed to go. The odd thing is that we really had no idea of all that was going on without Bryan in the loop.

We are grateful that Bryan has job and that there is a new leader of the hospitalists at work. We are also grateful to all of the fellow hospitalists that stood up for Bryan and defended him when his boss wanted to remove him. Bryan has gotten to hear lots of complements from coworkers that he otherwise wouldn't have heard because of this situation happening.

So, Bryan left this morning for work after not showering in two days (got up late yesterday and no hot water today). We'll see how his coworkers like him now. Thankfully he can get a shower at work. I on the other hand am still waiting for a shower because I am still waiting for the plumber to show up. Bryan tried to get a kiss from me before we parted for 3 days while I am away scrapbooking with friends. I say tried because there was a puddle of pee separating us that Clay had just sprayed (pants down) all over the bathroom and me.

There was a mistake on behalf of the plumbing company this morning. They were supposed to have someone here by 9am to fix our water heater but it was entered into the computer wrong. Now someone will hopefully be here in the next hour (3 hours late).

On top of that, our washing machine is on the fritz. It is 25 years old so we have been expecting it but it is still not a joy to have it happen. It won't get the soap out, probably because of the cold water so I am rinsing everything three times. It won't spin the clothes to wring out the water either. I have been having to spin it 2-3 times too. Very frustrating.

I am sitting here waiting for a repairman with all of my scrapbooking stuff ready to go on a retreat. After I get a shower and after I get the kids to school. Poor Bryan has the next three days without me and with the kids. I know he is trying to process all that has happened over the last three months and the last couple of days.

So much to take in but in the end, I know that God is with us and is still taking care of us.

wonderful Christmas suprise

My loving husband planned a surprise for me last night. He got a babysitter and arranged the evening for us. Once the babysitter arrived we were off to dinner and I found out that we were going to the Michael W Smith Christmas concert in St. Paul. We first had dinner at Snuffy's Malt Shop which is a local favorite. I had never been there before and the burgers were really good but the best part of the meal was the brownie shake that we shared, mmmmm good. Wish I had some more now.

The concert was fun and the music was great. There was a full orchestra which was probably the best part of the concert. They sounded so amazing. Some binoculars would have been helpful from our seats but the sound was still good. MWS also had two american idol singers with him, George Huff sang back-up and Melinda Doolittle sang a few amazing songs on her own. She has a powerful voice.

We enjoyed the evening and even got some hot chocolate together. The night was very worth it just to get some time together without the kids. The conversation was great and reminded us more of why we love each other. It is just too easy to get distracted by all of the kid stuff in our lives and then we lose touch with each other as a couple.

this one's for Bryan

This morning while I was in the shower, my boys were playing with horses in their little castle in the bathroom with me. I overheard them talking between Jaden's knight's horse and Clay's smaller farm horse. Jaden's horse was the daddy and Clay's horse was the baby.

They frequently play together with various creatures and inevitably one of them is the baby and the other is the mom.

So, this time I was curious, why was there a dad and no mom.

I asked Jaden, "How do you know that your horse is the dad and not the mom?"

Without pausing, Jaden responded, "That's because the dad saves the baby, not the mom. Moms can't save babies."

It was so sweet to hear him say that. So great to know that Jaden loves and respects his dad.

My boys are momma's boys and always have been. I have tried hard to get them to be daddy's boys but it hasn't worked. That could be because Bryan has had to work so much over the last 3 years we were in Rochester, MN for his internal medicine residency. Now Bryan is home so much more. He works on average 32 hours per week and we love it. We love having Bryan/Dad around and it is nice to see that the kids love it too.

Happy Birthday Bryan!

I have a wonderful husband that treats me very well. Today is his 32nd birthday. The boys got him presents and picked out a card and I wrote him a nice card too. We even went out to dinner to his choice, Carbone's Pizza, with my brother and his family. I tried to be extra nice and loving to him but didn't do such a good job at keeping my cool at dinner. My boys were out of control and I didn't have enough patience for them. Jaden had already ticked me off from an hour and half of crying before nap and then woke up cranky. Both boys were all over my lap and were just uncontrollable. I made Bryan put the boys down for bed tonight because I just couldn't take any more. Bryan is so great, he just takes it in stride. He is truly a great husband and great dad and I honestly couldn't ask for anyone better. He is my perfect gift from God. I appreciate and love him more than he will ever know.

I have been on a bit of a blog hiatus because, well, let's be honest, I have been a bit down. Life here is not that interesting yet. I really wish I had a job and my kids were in a Montessori school. There are a couple of problems there. I need to appreciate where my life is now but also work to get it where I want it to be. I want an aerospace engineering job but I don't have enough confidence in getting a job or recalling all that I previously learned. It is scary how much I have forgotten. I am settling for putting Jaden in a Lutheran preschool for now because it is cheaper.

I am hoping for more time to spend on finding a job and more breaks from my boys. Bryan will soon be helping me out more. I know things will get better and more interesting as we get more settled in our house and the number of projects diminishes. I know that I need more appointments with friends and family to get me out of the house. Spending time with others, with or without my kids, helps my mood and motivates me to do more with my days. I am hoping that next time I blog, I can be more upbeat but this is where I am right now.