i'm pathetic

Today is my wonderful husband's birthday. Bryan is 33! Happy birthday, Bryan.

Today should be a day that is all about him but somehow I managed to make it about me and how sorry I feel for myself. I worked so hard, I thought, to make this a special birthday for him. I went the extra mile to get a surround sound speaker system for our TV that has bad sound. I took the kids with me to Best Buy yesterday because they wanted to help me but instead were just crazy running around the store and intentionally kept leaving me. I left the store with nothing and got home late.

Today I thought I will just take some time off work and go to get the gift and get some other groceries to make Bryan's favorite dessert that he asked me to make. Well, I got lost a few times (new area) and eventually made it back to work 2 hours later. No big deal. I got over it after finishing my work. I go to pick up the boys, miss my exit but the boys are happy to see me. I get the boys in the van and they talk me into going to Walgreens to get dad presents from them. Why did I let them do this? It is a sweet idea but it is last minute when I would rather be home or out to dinner with Bryan. All the boys wanted to buy Bryan were toys for themselves. It was very frustrating trying to convince them to buy something that Dad would like or at least something that he would play with them. I didn't let either boy buy something that only he would use. They did get something that they can play with Dad. Bryan pointed out later that it was a good lesson to teach them. But I just wasn't planning on teaching them that lesson then and didn't have the energy to do it. They probably didn't learn the lesson just as they didn't learn it the last 3 times I tried to do this. Maybe next time Bryan should try teaching the boys about giving gifts. Anyway, I get home frustrated that things took so long. Bryan isn't ready to go out to eat. He is cleaning the shower. How frustrating! (Ha, I can't believe myself!) Finally he is available to receive homemade cards and gifts from the boys and then I give him my gift, the speaker system. He really likes it.

We head out to dinner and I clearly need a break but I want to be helpful and make Bryan's job easier because it is his birthday. Bryan even takes the kids to the bathroom for me in the middle of dinner. We are on our way home and I reluctantly ask Bryan if he wants me to put the kids to bed for him (normally his job--he is way better at it than me). He comes up with something to do--put speaker system together--and I put boys to bed. I reluctantly make his dessert which didn't get done until after he left for work tonight.

Now I sit alone thinking how pathetic I am. I can't even let my husband have his day. I know I am overworked and exhausted right now but really, can't I just stuff those feelings for one day. Man, that sure is hard for me. I feel overworked and my husband is the one who cleaned three bathrooms (minus a tub) today, on his birthday. Granted he did go to the driving range and hit golf balls yesterday when he was going to clean the bathrooms. So he knows he made that choice. All I can think about it how he didn't do the dishes while he was at home today...sleeping after working all night. How pathetic...here I go again. I'm so negative.

I have an amazing husband who cleans bathrooms, does dishes and laundry, maybe even he'll vacuum before our guests come over Wednesday night. Bryan is amazing! Sure wish I could quit being so self-focused and give him the appreciation he deserves! Maybe tomorrow.

I know I need some "me" time, alone time, hobby time, time without the kids. It is so clear but it is not coming soon enough.

Happy birthday, Bryan, from your pathetically, loving wife! Thanks for loving me with all my faults.