feeling stretched

I knew that this day would come. I am trying to do it all: be a mom, wife, engineer and all of the tasks that go along with those roles. Some say that working moms are trying to do it all but no one can really do it all--something always misses out.

Until today, I have not felt that my work or my family has missed out. Things have went quite well and there has always been enough time for both. Life has gotten stressful at times when the to do list got too long but that has been the worst of it for me so far.

Today I went on a field trip with the boys in the morning. They were supposed to be back at 11am and I had 5 meetings planned this afternoon starting at noon. I wasn't worried about it and thought that I had plenty of time to do it all. Things did not go as planned.

While on our field trip to the apple orchard, I heard repeatedly from Jaden, "I don't care what you say," in response to me telling him to hold my hand or sit on the bus or stop running or whatever it was that he shouldn't be doing at that time. Jaden is a lot like me and he knows very well how to hurt me and he definitely knows that I hate that phrase. I need to come up with more creative and appropriate punishment when he says that but I don't have any ideas. By the end of the field trip, Jaden and I were frustrated with each other.

Clay, on the other hand, enjoys holding my hand and cuddling with me on the bus ride. Things went downhill when our trip got extended due to toilet trips and we left late (11:15) but that still should have been plenty of time to get back for work. I didn't count on the bus trip back taking 45 minutes. I am pretty sure the bus driver took some wrong turns when the drive out there took 20-30 minutes. Many of the kids were tired and hungry due to our extended field trip. Clay fell asleep on the way back to the school and then started crying once we got to the school. He was all out screaming when I asked one of the teachers to take Clay so that I could leave. I left with him crying and screaming out the window at me. I was really late for work. My noon meeting was called by me and I was going to be 20 minutes late. Great! I am disappointing my manager by not showing up for my meeting with her and others that I should be leading and I ticked off Jaden and left Clay screaming for his mom. I am a terrible mom and a bad employee. I definitely had the moment of, "why am I doing this?" Wouldn't life be easier if......I will not even say it.

My afternoon at work went surprisingly smoothly and everything seemed to eventually workout ok. Clay ran to greet me at school. Jaden warmed up to me by the time we got home and there was no more fighting or attitude tonight.

I know I am a good mom and I am a good engineer but I am sure there will be many moments where I doubt my skills in either role. Today was filled with lots of doubt in my capabilities. Tonight recharged me and I enjoyed cooking dinner with my boys and painting pumpkins (from the field trip) with my boys. The best part of the night was getting big hugs from Jaden and Clay before bedtime. Brings a smile to my face even now.