Jaden sayings

Jaden was full of thought-ful comments today. Here is a sample:

We were driving in the van and I told Jaden to stop picking his nose and asked if he wanted a tissue. He responded in a sarcastic tone, "Do you think there's really gold in there?" He already seemed to know the answer. I laughed and said someone probably said to him at one time, "Are you diggin for gold?" He said with a laugh, "I know there isn't gold in there."

This weekend Bryan is fishing in South Dakota with his dad and uncle. I chose to stay at home with the boys instead of go with him. There were a few reasons for this choice. Jaden's interpretation of my choice was described like this tonight: "Mom, I know why you stayed with us. It's because you like us." I said, "I sure do and I love you too." I am just beaming to know that Jaden gets it that I like him. It is not always that way and he knows that I get frustrated with him frequently. I am just thrilled to know that the "like" feelings outweigh the "frustrated" feelings. I know that but it means even more for my son to realize that.

Then tonight when I was tucking Jaden in bed, he said, "I was naughty at school today because I missed you." He just knew the right thing to say to make me feel guilty for sending him to school for 5 days this week (usually just 4 days). That little stinker. I am trying to just brush it off. He made some bad choices at school today when he knew better. I am responsible for disciplining him but not responsible for his bad actions.

I need people.

There are things that I like about my job. I enjoy interfacing with other engineers and people in general. If I were to stay at home during the day or work from home, I would definitely miss talking with other people. It is amazing how much a single conversation can change my mood for the day. My worst days are when I sit at my desk all day and do my work and don’t talk to anyone. My best days happen when I have multiple conversations with people about work and our personal lives. I need those work conversations to feel like what I am doing is useful. Someone out there appreciates what I am doing, I hope. I also need to be reminded that while I am at work, I am still looking for things and conversations that result in eternal reward.

It is amazing how quickly I forget that I need people. I need other adults in my life. I just spent the past three days with my boys. I love spending time with them and that is why they only go to school 3-4 days a week. When I spend 3 days straight with them and only see Bryan in the evenings, it makes me realize that I need conversations with other adults to cheer me up and realize that life is bigger than me. That is one reason why staying-at-home full time with the kids didn’t work well for me. Over the weekend I did have a few short conversations with other people: a neighbor, a pediatrician, ticket sales lady, etc., but I realized today that it wasn’t enough. Why didn’t I call anyone to hangout over the weekend? We did play with two neighbor boys but without much adult time. We had 3 dinner meals with just the 4 of us. That rarely happens. We eat dinner together a lot but usually there are other people involved. I knew I wasn’t enjoying life over the weekend but couldn’t really put my finger on it until today at work. I need more people in my life.

Bryan's response, "You are such an extrovert!"

beautiful walls

I have two new pictures on my entryway walls that bring me such joy. Above is a picture of what it looks like. I took the picture of my boys on the right and I love it. It is my favorite because they are always running somewhere. I painted the picture with the words. It is actually the 4 family values that Bryan and I came up with a few years ago. I was inspired by an amazing artist at redletterwords.com It is my own take on her art. I love that it didn't have to be neat and perfect. These are 4 things that we hope to instill in our boys. We hope that as they grow, they will help us define what is important to our family.

I am treasuring my family even more right now. I just heard tonight that our neighbor died today. The family had become friends of ours over the last year. I connected with the mom and enjoyed our extended conversations. Jaden and Clay love to play with their 5 year old son. We enjoy having their 15 year old son mow our lawn. Bryan gave their family free medical advice. The family lost their father and husband. My heart aches for them and my eyes have welled up with tears more than a few times. I can't fathom their loss. I can't imagine raising two boys without a husband and father. They are Christians and know that he is not only in a good place, but a "great place" as she commented to us tonight. My thoughts and prayers are with them. I pray that God brings his people around them to comfort them and help them cope.

back from Utah

I spent last week working in Utah. The trip was better than I expected and I got to experience the space-side of ATK. There is space stuff everywhere around their main facility in Promontory. And I got to watch the static DM-2 test of the modified Solid Rocket Booster. It is an expanded rocket from those used on the Space Shuttle (2 white ones on the sides) and was planned to be used on Ares I and IV for the Constellation program. Now ATK is trying to get NASA and Congress to fund solid rockets for future space use. I really hope it happens. The US should keep its space capabilities and expand on them, not lose out ability to get humans to space. Lets keep exploring the unknown and expanding out knowledge!

I was in Utah working on an upgrade to some software that I use daily for system engineering and requirements management. We made great progress and it feels good to see something close to completion that I have worked on the side of my main projects for the last year or so.

no NASA job...yet

I got the sad news today that I was not chosen for the NASA GSFC job that I applied for and interviewed. I tried really hard to get it and interviewed over the phone on vacation because they weren't doing in-person interviews unless you were local. I did some work for my references while on vacation too. But in the end I was up against 12 people for 2 positions. I was qualified for either position. I ended up being #2 for the position I most wanted. I was told to try again and they would be happy to hire me and that the panel disagreed on who to hire. There is hope for me but just not yet.

I shed a few tears and then tried to forget about it with family. Bryan's parents are here and we went out for his upcoming birthday. Then I chatted with our neighbor, whose husband is dying. That always brings perspective and gratefulness to the surface.

While I was telling Jaden about me not getting the space job, he tried to encourage me by telling me to keep working on weapons. He said, "You are helping the army." We talked about it for awhile and he was so cute and so pro-military. I tried explaining to him that I do not want to have anything to do with killing people even if it is when we are at war. He responded, "It is just one army fighting another army." He seems to get it more than I realize, but I still take issue with it. Who knows, he may end up in the military some day.

active boys

The boys were busy with sports in July. Here are a couple of my favorite pictures.



Jaden was a little soccer star. Actually, they both love soccer and it was nice to see Clay participating more. Jaden was aggressive and Clay helped people up when they got pushed down. They both did a great job and had lots of fun.

Clay was a little fish. Jaden refused to get in the water for the first three lessons. In the end, they both did really well with their first swimming lessons. They both passed to the next level. Success was a achieved because they are loving taking showers now and are not as afraid to put their face in the water.

More pictures here.

up and down day

Today has been a day filled with lots of ups and downs. I am still trying to process it all.

1. held a gun for the first time (the weapon system I work on at ATK; XM25/XM29/IAWS/High Explosive Airburst Weapon System/OICW) and I wasn't looking forward to this

2. flooded with work to accomplish in a short time while Bryan is working evenings and I have the kids by myself for 3 nights

3. cried with a neighbor whose husband is dying of cancer and they have 2 sons: 5 and 16 years old

4. opened my email to discover I have a phone interview with NASA Goddard Space Flight Center in the Washington DC area next week; 2 jobs will be offered on 8/20; lots of prayer continues

All of these things are leading to more time spent praying. So many thoughts and so many different prayers. I just want to see the bigger picture in all of this.

baby step

I took another baby step closer to working in the space field again. My resume made it through the first level of sorting at NASA Goddard. I received an email yesterday that stated: Eligible – Application Referred to Selecting Official. I am encouraged to pray more. I am thankful for this step and praying for it to go further.

12th anniversary

I have the greatest husband ever! He surprised me with one of my life goals...to go skydiving. We took the big jump last Friday, at the start of our anniversary weekend together.

We had an awesome weekend at the St. Paul Hotel in downtown St. Paul. It is beautiful and they gave us an upgrade to a suite for free! We also got to go to Cory and Mel's wedding on Saturday! They are great friends of ours from our church meal group. Then on Sunday Bryan got us tickets to see A Streetcar Named Desire at the Guthrie in Minneapolis. All of this was made possible while my brother and his family took care of our boys. That was such a treat. Thanks guys!

Bryan and I take turns planning our anniversaries and this year was his turn. Here is a list of what we have done in case anyone is looking for some ideas for their own anniversaries or to spoil your spouse.

11. Valleyfair
10. Paris beforehand (Day of: in Honduras with homemade cookies in the shape of a 10 and fresh picked flowers, new DVD of wedding, swimming date to a waterfall)
9. Lanesboro, MN B&B
8. Moon/Space room at theme hotel in Burnsville, MN
7. Red Wing, MN at the St. James Hotel; exploring rural MN
6. New York City (romantic dinner, lots of walking, Central Park carriage ride, The Lion King)
5. Italy beforehand (Day of: outdoor orchestra concert of cartoon music and picnic meal)
4. Hot air balloon ride in VA
3. Horseback riding in a park in DC
2. Hotel in downtown DC with room service dinner replicating what we had the day we got engaged in DC.
1. Houston, TX for me to go on Vomit Comet; dinner with 2 other college guys. This is what probably spurred us on to do something different next year.

sometimes emotions overwhelm me

I am sad to be having good friends move away, especially a family that we mesh with so well. I get along so well with the mom and Bryan with the dad and our two boys with their two boys. The Klinepeters will always have a special place in our hearts and lives. That has definitely added to the tears over the last two days. I am also emotional for many other reasons.

Our good meal group friends, Andy and Sarah, are also moving away in a few short weeks. It will be hard to say goodbye to them. They love our boys like family.

I wish I was moving away but there are no interviews on the horizon, let alone a job offer. I wish I wasn’t working on weapons. I wish that I had a job that I felt called to do and be there. I wish I could have extended family close-by, wherever we live. Those things don't mesh well for me. Family and job locations have many miles between them.

I thought I was close to getting a job (or at least an interview) at Goddard, in the DC area, working with the people that I did some of my master’s research. I found out a couple weeks ago that my resume was put in the loser pile, otherwise known as “you are not the best qualified.” That depressed me. I struggled with reassessing my job search strategy and didn’t come to any new conclusion. Then another job, actually 2 openings, were posted in the same group at Goddard. These positions I am more qualified for, but it is still a waiting game to find out if I get grouped in the “best qualified” category of resumes. There have been a lot of prayers going up over this job posting.

I am emotional because of uncertainty in my life. When will I get an interview? A job offer? When will we move? Do I really want to move away from family? Do I really want to miss out on events in my siblings lives? In my parents' and grandparents' lives? In my nieces’ and nephews’ lives? I know I don’t want to stay in my current job for that much longer. I really do feel like God has given me a passion for space work that just won’t die. I believe that is what I should be doing and Bryan is supportive. I still feel bad because I am choosing to move away from family. I always have doubts. I may be sure one moment and second guessing it the next.

On the flip side, there are good emotions and tears of experience mixed with fulfillment. It feels good to know when God has affected you and changed you, that He can use that to help someone else. I felt that last night and it feels good. God is still around us and going with us. He helps us through the tough times and the emotional times. I just never know how God will use my current experience to help someone down the road.

All of this is making me emotional. It seems so easy to cry. It used to be hard for me to ever let anyone see me cry but now there is no stopping it. Let the tears flow…but wait till I am out of the office…ha ha.

boys lovin life

I took a bunch of pictures of my boys back at the beginning of May because I was concerned their school pictures wouldn't turn out well (it wouldn't be the first time).

This is one of my favorite pictures of the boys. I have an 8x10 size picture for us to frame. Some people may miss seeing their faces but I think this picture speaks loud and clear. It will always be a reminder to me of what life was like when I had 2 young boys. I know this stage won't last long.

They were just having a blast running across this bridge at a park area near our house. Jaden is always in the lead, bolting straight ahead, as fast as he can. Clay is so content to follow. He is enjoying the run along the way, checking out the view on the side of the bridge. Jaden is focusing straight ahead on getting to the otherside of the bridge. Both are moving fast, exploring the world through their own eyes.

I love my boys! So much energy wrapped up in tiny bodies.

anger rising

It is not that is wrong to be angry but this morning I got angry about the wrong things. I was irritated at myself for taking so long to get ready for work and getting up late. I was tired from staying up too late last night, in addition to not getting enough sleep the two previous nights.

Instead of letting my own issues go, I took it out on my kids. They are slow to get ready and get out the door. This is normal. It is their way of life. They are never in a hurry and I am constantly in a hurry and trying to get them to hurry up. I had to repeatedly ask them to get their shoes on, go out the door and get in their carseats. It just wears me out. If I gave them a consequence for not listening on the first time that I asked, they would have that consequence 99% of the time we leave the house. I am just not sure it is worth it. I am the one who needs to change here, not my kids. This is my problem of lateness colliding with their enjoyment of living in the present.

I tell my kids they are “making me angry.” But in reality, it is my choice. They can not make me angry. I have chosen to be angry over something inconsequential. I did not need to be to work by an earlier time. I just wanted to be there earlier. I will be apologizing to my boys tonight.

I get frustrated with my kids and then every little thing irritates me, like my husband forgetting to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer. It builds until I hit my head or trip or drop something. I am not good at getting rid of frustration.

I need to work on
letting my frustrations go,
not making my kids feel bad for my own issues,
not taking my anger out on my kids,
and enjoying the moment.

I can only do that with God’s help and correction. I know He is correcting me now. God works through our frustrations and makes something beautiful out of them...beautiful character.

getting back to normal

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I love blogging and miss it. It helps me process life. I haven't had much time to process life lately because we have had so much going on.

We had a great time in DC, then Sacramento, and then LA. I hope to put up pictures but they are not ready yet. It's on the to do list.

Right now I am enjoying my boys in swimming lessons and playing soccer.

We have seen a lot of family over the last month. Family at the funeral. Family at Clay's birthday party. Family for doctor's appointments. And we just had my aunt and uncle and three cousins here a few nights ago.

My mother-in-law has surgery tomorrow. Please pray for her. We are hoping that her SI joint (connection of tail bone to pelvis) is made healthy tomorrow. She has been in quite a bit of pain for the last year and is ready to be done with it. We have family with us right now and will be for at least a little while.

We are getting stability back in our life with laundry and cleaning and lots of time at our house. It feels good. I usually despise normalcy but for once it feels good. It probably won't last long.

packing thoughts

The last week and half flew by as we worked and tried to relax in our routine before our next trip.

We packed Tuesday night and traveled by air to Los Angeles today.

Lot of thoughts streaming in my head while packing for the trip. Here are some.

In the chaos of packing and frequent travel, I appreciate the mundane routine of life more. This is the third trip for our family in one month. Crazy!

This is my 9th week of vacation that I am taking from work this year. Thankfully, the rest of the year will have less irregularity and more routine. At least that is what is planned right now. It is good that I only work part-time so that I can still fit in work around our vacation time. We love to travel and 9 weeks of time-off sure shows it.

We love sharing all that we have with others because it reminds us that all that we have is God's. It keeps us less attached to our stuff and more focused on people. It is still added work to share rather than keep your stuff to yourself but the extra work is definitely worth it.

I am also feeling down about work stuff. I have a applied for 40+ jobs with NASA but only heard a response about one with a little interest. I have been underqualified for good chunk of the jobs I have applied for but some response, even rejection would mean that someone is looking at my resume. Almost all of the jobs are still open and in process. That processing stuff sure takes a long time. It is good and sad that we are visiting DC and LA where I am applying for jobs because we could end up living here someday. But I sure do wish I was here for an interview too.

I know there is more that I could do about contacting people at NASA and some of that just hasn't happened because I usually have loud children in the background. I am getting quite sick, not quite literally yet, of working on weapons and need to find something else to do. I know that someday someone from work will find this blog, so you should know, if it isn't clear already that I don't want to be working on weapons. I want to be helping to explore space. I know that God has planted this passion in me and I know that I should be using it. I know that God will fulfill that but I am not good at being patient and finding enjoyment when it is difficult.