Journey of an Astromom

astronaut application completed

2012-01-27T22:35:00.001-06:00

Today I completed my application to be an astronaut. It has always been a goal of mine to apply even though I may never become an astronaut. It feels good to check that off my life goal list. If there is any additional post about this application, it will only be because God has had his hand in my life. I am a long shot and don't expect to hear anything back about my application.

I have wanted to be an astronaut since I was in 2nd grade. I was inspired by my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Paulsrud to be a teacher and I loved space. Christa McAuliffe was my hero as a teacher and an astronaut. I wanted to be her. The Challenger explosion and her death did not deter me at all. I continued to dream big and the dream has never died. I always wanted to meet the minimum astronaut requirements and I have. So, why not, just apply. It can't hurt. There is no time like the present.

I was explaining to Jaden today that I applied to be an astronaut. His immediate response was, "No!" Then I tried explaining to him that I am not going to be an astronaut but I would like to be but it will not be happening. I told him that over 3000 people apply to be astronauts and only about 10 people get chosen. Then his little math brain was working and he responded, "That means that 2,990 people don't get chosen." Thanks, Jaden, I know it is a long shot.

still in transition

2012-01-14T23:57:00.001-06:00

I have not intentionally been putting off writing about our little foster girl but my emotions and feelings and thoughts about our whole situation seem to change daily. I'm not sure if my thoughts are becoming more consistent or not yet but I feel inspired to write again. (Thank you to the movie The Help. So inspirational on so many levels.)

Life still seems incredibly hard around our house. I am sure I am making it harder than it really is but our family is still in transition. I am generally grumpy. Grumpy to my husband, my boys and little girl. Sometimes more angry than grumpy but I don't want to admit that. It is difficult to enjoy the good moments and I linger in the bad. I am a pessimist.

Little girl's behavior is improving. Her behavior is seeming normal for a 2 or 3 year old, even though she is 4. She cries at times (when she didn't use to let it out) and asks for lots of hugs when her mood is escalating instead of jumping to screaming right away. I am continually faced with her deficits from potty training issues to missing vocabulary to the multitude of bruises on her legs (gross motor issues) to rising anger when I can't figure out a word she is trying desperately to pronounce. She is developmentally delayed. She will be getting special education because of deficits in five areas. She needs the extra help. She may end up being a learning challenged kid the rest of her life. She does not have an easy life ahead of her whether she stays with our family or not.

There is continual talk of adoption. Birth mom dropped out of the picture over a month ago. Breaks my heart. We continue to pray for mom's health and her life. We were able to let the social workers involved know that we would really just like to focus on foster care as long as we can handle it and defer any adoption conversation. There were some emotional conversations in mid December about possibly needing to end this sooner than we thought. We are done with that thinking, hopefully, and we are focusing on making our family healthy no matter what the outcome is for little girl's forever family. Birth mom's parental rights will be terminated, most likely in April and little girl will be available for adoption. We will either adopt her or help in choosing a better family fit for her. This is undecided and I don't see that decision getting made any time soon (not at least for another month).

Even though little girl has improved, we are waiting to see the boys behavior improve. Jaden is stuck in a perfectionist world that is so hard for him to let go. He has trouble following the simplest commands at times. Clay has anger toward little girl that we are trying to decrease. We have a new set of goals (not rules) in our family and it is helping us all. Here are the most common repeated adages in our house. No hurts. Ask not tell. Listen and obey. Eyes. Hugs.

Christmas memories

2012-01-07T10:27:00.000-06:00

We had a great Christmas. We got to open presents at 4 different times and that was by far the highlight for the kids. The boys' favorite present initially was the mini foosball game. Jaden now will say his favorite present is the Battleship game (thanks Kevin and Nicole!). Clay's favorite is a box of kitchen science experiments. Little girl loved everything she got! She displayed some of her best behavior while we were in North Dakota with family. It was nice to have extra help with the kids from family and there was extra entertainment from being in a new environment.

The boys can tell you why we celebrate Christmas but the presents continue to be overwhelming. I'm not sure how to change this focus on presents. I know some people think that is what Christmas is about for kids...the presents. I don't want it to be that way. I tried to be minimal on the presents from us to the kids but they have a lot of loving family that blesses them with many gifts. Maybe our family of 4 or 5 will do things differently in 2012.

Notice the picture of the lights hung nicely on our house. I got around the house to halfway through the garage door on the right when I fell. I keep saying it was halfway but looking now, there was only one strand left to do after I had already hung 3 strands. I am recovering nicely now and have only a little pain remaining in my left upper rib and my right elbow and wrist. I am now 5 weeks post fall. I am happy to have full range of motion of my arm back. I was a little concerned it wouldn't return after the doctor tried putting the scare into me that I might lose some range of motion if I didn't use my arm.

yearly summary from Bryan

2011-12-29T10:18:00.000-06:00

2011 has been a year filled with challenges, growth, andadventure. Highlights from the year include a return mission trip to Honduraswith Raquel’s parents as part of the team, a family trip to Disney World, threetrips for Raquel to watch the last space shuttle launch with the last tripbeing successful, a new role for me helping deploy an electronic medical recordat Fairview Southdale Hospital, Raquel becoming the volunteer aerospace expertfor the upcoming space station exhibit being created by the Science Museum ofMinnesota, our church changing to a new pastor, Jaden jumping into first grade, Clay starting kindergarten as the big man on campuswithout his big brother around, and a cute little 4 year old girl named Alexisjoining our house and trying to overcome the difficult start to her life.

In May we collected an amazing 14 bags full of medicalequipment including a ventilator machine and went back to Loma de Luz hospitalin Honduras. Raquel’s parents, Oscar and Judy Vilhauer, came along and puttheir carpentry, sewing and teaching skills to use throughout the hospital grounds.They were truly a gift from God to the people and staff down there and it was ablessing for us to be able to serve with them. I made a video tour of thehospital grounds on YouTube. You can search for Honduras Jarabek to find thevideo or use this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q40bZptRC7g. You cancheck out Raquel’s blog in May and June for moredetails on the trip as well.

In June, Clay had a parachute birthday party with a blow upbounce house in our back yard. My wife is an amazing party planner and my kidsare so blessed to have her as their mom! Clay is doing kindergarten at SunriseMontessori and is starting to add, read tons of books and make us all laugh ona daily basis. He brings so much joy into our home! Jaden started first gradethis year at Olson Elementary school and continues to excel at math, reading,and every sport he plays (hence the YMCA gym party in November). He is highenergy, competitive, and wicked smart like his mom. He can add and subtract twodigit numbers in his head, knows about half of his multiplication tables and isreading at a second grade level. Over the summer Raquel continued to volunteerat the Science Museum of Minnesota and was asked to be the aerospace expert fora multimillion dollar space station exhibit that is being designed over thenext few years and will be traveling through many of the large museumsthroughout the country. She loves the opportunity to share her passion forspace and they really enjoy having a volunteer aerospace engineer to help themwith the project. I continue to work at the hospital helping patients get well,families cope with loss, and doctors navigate our new electronic record. Ourfamily did escape the busy schedule to go to Disney World in August and lovedevery minute, from the luxury Disney resorts to Jaden going on the ExpeditionEverest roller coaster. Bryan also escaped on a Canada fishing trip and SouthDakota pheasant hunting trip.

As many of you know Raquel and I have been taking classesfor adoption and foster care for the last year and in October we got a callasking if we would take a cute little 3 (almost 4) year old girl named Alexisinto our home. Alexis’s life has been filled with drugs, neglect and probablysome abuse. She has speech delays, physical delays, attachment issues, fits ofrage and self-harming behaviors. We are struggling to cope with the rage,adjust our behaviors to avoid tantrums, and try to explain to our boys whyAlexis is how she is and that they are loved and safe. They have struggledbehaviorally with the change, but we are trying to make extra one on one time withthem to meet their needs and help them adjust. Our primary goal for Alexis isto provide a stable foster care environment for Alexis and get her as manyschool and medical services as possible to try to start improving her delaysand behavioral issues. Please pray for us and our family! We pray that God willbe with you this year in a special way that brings you joy & peace inabundance!

Bryan, Raquel, Jaden,Clay and Alexis

Do not fall off a ladder

2011-12-12T15:32:00.000-06:00

The boys have been asking for us to hang lights on the outside of our house at Christmas ever since we moved into this house 3 years ago and we had a bunch of free lights from my brother (Thanks, Kevin!). So I thought, why not this year! We had been getting the lights ready throughout the day on that Saturday, a week ago, and when we finally had them ready after replacing bulbs and buying one more set, I just wanted to get the lights hung and didn't care that it was snowing and dark. The boys came outside to play in the snow while I hung lights. I warned them to go get dad inside the house if I fell. I was not feeling very confident about my ladder skills. Clue #1. It was snowing and everything was slippery. Clue #2. What are these clues leading to...do not hang lights today.

Bryan had just come outside to help me and I told him, just let me fix this one light. Bryan walked around to the side of the house where the boys were playing. And that is when the big fall happened. I was about half way done and the ladder slipped on the driveway and it went crashing to the ground with me landing on top of it. I cracked a corner piece off the ladder and smashed a few light bulbs in the process. I yelled as soon as I caught my breath after having the wind knocked out of me. I fell on the ladder and gravity hurt me badly.

I felt like everything was broken at that moment and did not want to take a breath. I yelled for what seemed like a minute, probably just a few seconds. I didn't want to stop letting air out of my lungs because I was terrified how much it would hurt to take a breath. The boys and Bryan were very concerned. Jaden later asked twice if I was going to die. We reassured him I would be ok but at that moment I didn't believe it. Bryan helped me get into the house and I almost passed out in the entryway. I laid on the floor to recover my sight and hearing. Then I moved to the couch. There was no comfortable position to lay but I couldn't move. Partially out of fear and partially out of everything hurting. Bryan checked me out and at first he thought nothing was broken. The more I sat, the more I knew something was really wrong with my right arm. I couldn't hardly move it. There was discussion about going to urgent care and Bryan informed me that they wouldn't cast me if it was broken so we should try to wait it out until Monday when I could see an orthopedic doctor who would put on a cast if needed. Later that night he got a sling for my increasingly painful and possibly broken right elbow. Clay asked if I broke my funny bone. I wish I could've laughed but the pain was too much. As time went on, we were both convinced it was broken around my elbow and we planned on seeing an orthopedic doctor on Monday to get an x-ray and potential cast. I was hurting everywhere which made it hard to pin point what was really hurting. My sternum hit the ladder and was in great pain and so were my ribs. We are pretty sure now that I probably broke a rib on my left side because I still have a lot of pain there. I have bruises all over but they took awhile to appear. I have bruises in parts that I didn't know I hit.

On Monday we found out that my arm is not broken. Many prayers of thanksgiving have been said over the last week. I am so glad I can use my arm even though it is only partially working. The doctor told me to quit using the splint then and that I needed to move my painful arm to get it to heal and regain my range of motion. So I have been using my right arm as much as possible but I only have about 90% range of motion and it hurts a lot to move it still. I probably only have about 25% muscle control in my right arm. Everything is painful from pumping soap to putting on my seat belt but I am gritting it out. I want my healthy arm back and the more I use it, the better it will get. I am taking it easy on carrying things. I can't lift any small children or heavy items as the doctor ordered. Lifting could make the damage take longer to heal. Hopefully in 3 weeks time, I will be lifting items again. Bryan is taking on the task of physical therapist now and forcing movement when it doesn't seem possible. I appreciate his help and hope that I get better sooner because of it.

I am still not sleeping well. My ribs are hurting so badly that they wake me up at night repeatedly. I am still taking ibuprofen and acetaminophen throughout the day and night for pain. This is not great timing when I really could use a good night of sleep every night in order to take better care of the 3 challenging kids in my house. Lots of prayers going up for healing, sleep and for little girl tantrums to end in our household. Thanks for your prayers.

Celebrating Jaden

2011-11-26T22:26:00.001-06:00

We got to celebrate Jaden's 7th birthday a little early this year. His birthday is actually on November 23rd. It usually falls near Thanksgiving so he got to have his party 4 days before he turned 7. He chose to have a basketball themed party at the YMCA. The kids got to play all kinds of games at the Y and they all had fun. They got to eat lots of orange colored snacks and drink lots of Gatorade. Everyone had fun despite the 3 inches of snow we got during the party.

This is an interesting age for Jaden. He is getting to be so independent. He is able to play outside by himself and follow the rules. He requests to play with friends all the time and rings our 2 neighbor boys' doorbells often. One time he rang the doorbell a few too many times and caused a neighbor boy to call 911. That will be quite the story for him to live down. I am sure Jaden will hear that over and over again. Jaden loves his friends, has lots of them and is very extroverted. Jaden just had his first outing with a friend today when they left to go watch high school basketball together.

He still has issues with hugs and people touching him so we continue to work on this as it seems heightened with a new little girl in the house. He is very organized and enjoys a controlled environment. His need to control things has increased as our house stress level has risen recently. He is fully aware of the changes in our house and has taken that stress more on himself than out on anyone else. He needs his life structured and predictable and if it's not, he must fix it. This causes him to obsess about some things that he shouldn't and this has made family life even harder. He could definitely use some prayer in this area.

Jaden seems to love all things "boy," cars/trucks/bikes, legos, Star Wars, super heroes, particularly Iron Man right now, sports, being physically active, along with reading, games and music. He became interested in the ukelele this summer when he saw 2 very cute older teenage girls playing them for one of his favorite songs, "This Is the Stuff" by Francesca Battistelli. Hopefully we have encouraged his love of music with his new uke.

Jaden is still very energetic and quite talented physically. He enjoys racing and competing with anyone at all times. He loves winning and knowing he is the best at something. I think he is a great reader and love listening to him. He is still very skilled at math and hopefully his love of math continues.

Jaden's personality is very similar to mine and I love that about him. I know he is my son! I see my weaknesses and strengths in him and I am very proud of him. He continues to teach me new things and I love that. Just today he showed me that he has a huge heart for the little girl in our house by trying to calm her down. This melted my heart. I want to squeeze him close like a little baby but he only wants to push me away and continue growing up and older. He is growing more compassionate and caring and growing in intellect. I love watching him change and love seeing how he changes me for the better. Happy #7, Jaden!

learning delays

2011-11-19T09:58:00.001-06:00

Here are a couple pictures from little girl's birthday party last weekend. We had my brother and his 3 kids over for dinner and cake and presents. She loved her dress up clothes from them! We inflated a bunch of balloons for her, which she calls, "moons" and she loved them too.

On Friday we took her to her special education evaluation after she needed further assessment from her preschool screening. I had to get over the lump in my throat that she would be going to special education and we were beginning to face development delays. Then yesterday she was having a very "smart" day. She performed very well on all the testing. The evaluator was quite impressed with her and said she was a teacher's dream but that she definitely needed speech help. I don't think she saw what we see and deal with daily. Then when we were about to leave the behavior issues started coming out. She didn't want to go and did everything she could to stay. We got through it and got her in the van. This was not the result of the evaluation we were expecting.

We know little girl is mentally delayed. We still don't know if that is because she just hasn't been taught (although she was in daycare from 1 to 3 years old) or because she has some severe learning difficulties. She might catch up completely but it is unknown. There is a lot of unknown with her. It is unknown how much speech progress she can make and it is unknown how her behavior will change as she ages. We know her learning is delayed and she will need extra help and the professionals agree but she looks smart compared to other special education children. What the evaluation did show me was that some of my efforts are paying off. I have been practicing a lot of the skills that were tested with her. And she performed them very well. She can now understand "what's missing," same or different and play matching games. She can write better and has learned more shapes. Her deficiencies still exist but they were not tested yet, other than her speech.

I was also reassured that having her at Clay's Montessori school is the right thing for her. We met with the 2 Montessorians (teachers) yesterday for Clay's conference and they reminded me that Dr. Montessori originally designed this program specifically for kids like our little foster girl. Dr. Montessori was the first female physician in Italy and she was put in charge of the "orphaned" children in Italy because it seemed like they didn't know what to do with her. The teachers agree with us that little girl needs lots of love and it is great to know she is getting more love while she is at school too. We have had her at school only one day a week but will be increasing it to two in December. A little more freedom for me and education for her. I am looking forward to getting involved again at the science museum.

birth mom

2011-11-17T21:32:00.001-06:00

A birth mom is what is known as the mom that gives birth to a child. She used to be known as a biological mom but now the correct term is birth mom. Less science-y and a shorter word to use. We are dealing with birth mom interactions and complications from those interactions or lack of them.

This afternoon was hard. Little girl can't understand why her mom doesn't show up to see her and she doesn't have the words to talk about it. We just say it is hard. I try to explain to the boys why she had a hard afternoon. We try to relax, share a treat and have some fun on hard days like today.

Today was the 4th visit that has been scheduled for mom to interact with her daughter since she has been in our house. The first visit mom showed up and left early. About 20 minutes into a 2 hour visit because little girl threw a tantrum and couldn't calm down quickly. Second visit mom didn't show up because she was in the hospital after a pretty serious suicide attempt. Third visit mom showed up late but had about an hour and half successful visit. Chips were shared and she got a stuffed gorilla. There was no mention of little girl's upcoming birthday. Little girl turned 4. Fourth visit was supposed to happen today and mom didn't show up. We lingered extra long in the waiting area of the supervised visit building, mostly because little girl wanted to finish coloring. I kinda wonder if she was hoping that her mom would show up. Not sure. I know she knew why we were there but it is very hard to talk about and it just makes her angry when we do talk about mom visiting. We got in the van to leave. Got a treat from Starbucks. Avoided a screaming melt down after the cake-pop (lollipop made of cake) was gone. Little girl had the saddest look on her face. Made me tear-up. She fell asleep on the drive home. Breaks my heart.

I am praying for mom to show up at our next visit on Monday. My life is harder whether mom shows up or not because of the emotion, fear, uncertainty and anger in little girl that results when thinking about her mom and knowing the possibility of seeing her. I pray her mom is still alive and that she has the will to try to get better.

3 kids is harder than 2

2011-11-15T21:18:00.001-06:00

We are still adjusting to having three kids in our house. For the first two weeks, the boys were on their best behavior. I appreciated their perspective sooo much. When little girl was throwing a fit in the van, Clay said, "It's ok that I don't have toys on one side of my car seat because I have enough on the other side." We had to remove toys from little girl's car seat and from one side of Clay's because she can reach his toys when she gets angry and throws a fit in the van while strapped into the seat. She likes to throw things when she gets mad. She also screams very loudly which has caused her to lose part of her voice the last couple days. That is actually refreshing because she can't be as loud. When she was at her ear-piercing loudest, Jaden and I were riding in the van with her on the way to school and Jaden had perfect timing as I was trying to mentally and physically block out the screaming. I was wishing for ear plugs. My ears were actually in pain. Jaden said in between screams, "Mom, it's ok. It doesn't hurt my ears because I have my hood up." So sweet. I wish I could make the screaming stop and I wish that he didn't have to suffer through it also.

We are over three weeks into this process and last week the boys got difficult. They snapped out of their good behavior and seem to have lost track of house rules and boundaries. We are trying hard to love each of them in individual ways and figure out what they need most. Dealing with three misbehaving kids is hard and exhausting.

We celebrated little girl's 4th birthday this weekend. We had fun and again it was exhausting. For once she got away with saying, "Mine!" as much as she wanted. Her birthday presents belonged to her. The 20 balloons Bryan blew up, belonged to her. Her birthday cake was hers and she enjoyed the mine-ness for a short while.

Tantrums

2011-11-07T23:00:00.001-06:00

It has been two weeks now that we have had our foster girl in our house. It has been quite an experience. More work and a bigger challenge than we expected. I think we have had 3 days that have been tantrum free with 1-3 tantrums on the other days. This is the hardest part of life with the little girl. She gets violent to herself and with Bryan and I so we have to restrain her. It continues to shock me how much she tries to hurt herself - kicking and hitting walls and furniture, hitting her head on anything around her, pulling out her hair, digging in her fingernails into her hands and the list will go on. When she gets angry she has a very difficult time calming down and it takes her up to 40 minutes to calm down and stop screaming and yelling. Bryan and I have figured out that it actually helps for us to talk to her intermittently throughout the tantrum. This shortens the screaming time. We have also noticed that she is ready to be done when she starts screaming "Please..." and requesting whatever she wants to do. It is amazing how quickly she stops screaming and becomes the sweetest kid possible. There are lots of hugs and kisses and lots of holding and reading books in the calm period.

The tantrums are very difficult. We have not really seen notable improvement in the tantrum area. On the other hand, I have noticed improvement in other areas. She can share sometimes and can take turns. She can react to "No" without screaming now. She responds to threats with good behavior and doesn't throw a tantrum (all the time). She learned a new shape, square. She now can say some numbers even if they are in the wrong order. She can match and sort colors. She uses the toilet occasionally (even pooped once in the toilet). She will repeat her words and almost always tries to pronounce the word correctly when prompted. These might seem like small things but it is so encouraging to see any improvement.

I have been praying so much over the last two weeks. I need more patience. She needs to feel loved and given attention. She needs to be able to use some calming techniques when her anger or emotions are out of control. Her mom needs help to recover from drug addiction. We need to get services set up for developmental delays, speech therapy and possible physical therapy.

Thank you for your prayers. We feel them and it is neat to see God answering some prayers. She had her preschool screening last Wednesday. It didn't go well, as expected but now the ball is rolling to get her some help that she needs.

Her birthday is 6 days away and it will be exciting to celebrate with her. She will be 4 years old which is hard to believe. We often feel like she is a 2 year old in many ways but is the size of a 4 1/2 year old. I continue to be taken by her affection and sweetness. She has a soft heart and needs a lot of love and help from people around her. I continue to pray that we can provide some of the help that she needs.

Foster the change

2011-10-27T20:06:00.000-05:00

There are times when I just need to write to express all that is going on. This is one of those times. There is so much going on inside my head. My house is a mess and there are dishes to do and mail to tend to and laundry to be done. I guess that is what happens when you add another child into your house. I did plan for this as best as I could with the one week notice we had that our first foster child would be arriving in our house.

A little 3 year old girl arrived calmly to our house around 1pm on Monday, October 24th with her social worker. She was sweet and instantly affectionate. A sign of how love-starved she is. Cute but also very sad. She strokes your hair. She says, "Nice shirt. Nice hair." She gives wonderful hugs. She needs lots of love. She is quiet but not silent with a cute little high pitch voice. She is chatty and makes lots of little noises. She is curious. She will stick her in your pocket and point to everything saying "What dat?" or the latest, "What color dis?"

She turns 4 soon but does not know her colors or numbers and can not count even one. She does know she is three and responds promptly when asked. She plays extremely well by herself. She seems most interested in building anything, blocks, train tracks, kinex, etc. So that makes her fit well with our boy toys. She doesn't seem to know what to do with a doll or barbie doll beyond hold it. She really likes quiet and when Jaden and Clay are around she is often heard saying, "Kids loud. Kids noisy."

She is probably delayed mentally and physically. This is yet to be assessed. Her speech is very hard to understand but she is great at charades and repeating her words. She falls a lot and can't walk a straight line. She has a lot of problems with stairs. She did not have a great start in life and has not had anyone helping her progress so hopefully we can make up for that some.

We are still working on getting her to learn our names; Raquel, Bryan, Jaden and Clay. She has figured out the quickest way to get my attention is to yell (in her quiet voice), "Mom!" It is pretty cute but also makes me think of her mom every time I hear her say it. Sometimes I correct her. "You can call me Raquel or Quel."

She has blond hair and very fair skin with greenish-gray eyes. Very cute little chubby cheeks. She looks and acts like an angel most of the time. She is big for her age and already looks about 4 1/2 years old. She seems heaven sent at times. She couldn't be more loving and cute. I actually calculated (my engineer-side) that she is quite amazing about 96% of the time that she is awake which is even better if you account for sleeping time. There is that 4% which is causing me to write. It is good to remind my pessimist self that it is only 4% of the time. So that 4% of the time she screams and yells and cries at the top of her little bitty lungs. Which is amazingly loud and excruciatingly painful to my ears at times. She has started to act-out violently in the last 24 hours. Kicking, hitting, grabbing, scratching, pulling hair. That is not fun. It is exhausting. I have been completely calm and amazingly disconnected until I see the pain in her eyes as she is screaming. I guess others might not see it as pain but when her eyes light up all red from the crying, I swear I can feel a little bit of her pain. It has brought me to tears a few times while I watch her scream and yell and just not know how to calm down. Usually it has been as dramatic of an end to the tantrum as the beginning. Once she is done, on average about 15 minutes later, she is pleasant. Says sorry and gives hugs and is ready to play calmly. It is amazing to watch it all unfold. I didn't know that could come out of such a cute small package until now.

She has gotten more challenging as the week has went on but her life has only been more complicated because of our family. I would love to think we are doing an amazing thing for taking her in but her hurt and wounds seem so huge that our contribution seems so small and may not amount to much even over time. This has brought me to tears and prayer many times this week. God is my fuel and my motivation comes from Jesus and the love and grace He shows me continually.

We know quite a bit about what she has endured and what her mother's life has been like and that just makes me hurt. Why are some people dealt such a hard life? I would like to think that maybe we can help change the generational pattern in this family but it seems quite impossible. More prayer. I met her mother just briefly today for our first supervised visit where I dropped her off. After the visit that did not go well and ended early, she said, "Mom mean. Me sad." Out of her three year old little mouth. Me sad too.

Journey to Space

2011-10-07T17:17:00.001-05:00

It has been too long since I posted. I was waiting to post something about my new gig at the Science Museum of Minnesota but then I waited too long and this post is long over due. I have been volunteering at the museum since February of this year. I started out as a school group greeter and then moved on to be an exhibit gallery volunteer doing science demonstrations with visitors. About the beginning of August I started helping with some exhibit development. They are working on a new exhibit called "Journey to Space" about the International Space Station. I am the "aerospace engineering expert" which is fun but really I just want to contribute in any way I can and have fun doing it. I am loving it! I am at the museum 2 days a week (half a day in the exhibit gallery still) and the other time I am contacting people at NASA and asking them for help and researching the space station for exhibit ideas. It has been a blast! I feel like I am part of the team. I am enjoying being a volunteer for now and being able to come and go as I please. There is potential that this could turn into a job but I am trying to take this new adventure slowly.The exhibit is planned to open in St. Paul in the summer of 2014 and then travel to at least 14 museums around the country over 6 or more years. The exhibit is going to be huge if all goes as planned. Potentially $8 million spent on 15,000 square feet of exhibit space. There are large simulators or rides planned and many smaller engineering and science interactives. I love being a part of all that is going on at the museum, especially when it is space related.I have lots of free tickets to the museum. Let me know if you ever want to go!

first day of school...deep breath

2011-09-06T09:19:00.001-05:00

Bryan and I just dropped our boys off at separate schools. The boys are now beginning their period of separation, ha ha. They have been in school together the last 2 years and 8 months. Before that Jaden was in two preschools without Clay but neither of them really remember that, other than what we tell them. Jaden is transitioning from a Montessori school to our local public school for 1st grade. We just met his teacher this morning and she seems great! She made a perfect first impression.Clay is transitioning to a new teacher at the same Montessori school (without Jaden and his old friends that left for Kindergarten) for his last year there. He is now a big kindergartner and probably the only one left at his school.This whole school situation seems like one big trial to me. I still have lots of questions remaining. Was it worth it to send Jaden to a Montessori school for kindergarten? Will it be too much work to drive the boys to separate schools? Should Clay just go to a traditional kindergarten and be at the same school with Jaden? Is there really that much difference in my local schools? Did we choose to live in the right place for the right school?...Who knows! I may never know the answers to any of these questions and hopefully I will be ok with that. Sometimes I wish I had a guarantee that my kids will turn out alright. That they will get the things I want to instill in them. That my efforts will pay off. That they won't end up in jail or living in the streets. But if you know me, you know that I have way higher expectations for my kids...probably too high and that will be my lifelong struggle...too high of expectations for myself and for everyone I know. I need to take a deep breath, lots of deep breaths. Slow down and take one day at a time. But time seems to be zooming by. It feels like fall and the sun is rising later and setting earlier. Time is getting away from me. Take another deep breath.

food for thought

2011-08-14T19:57:00.002-05:00

I have been chewing on some thoughts lately.

I am a disciplinarian. I want my kids to do what I tell them and follow the rules because they are a better way to live life...better for themselves and better for other people. When they don't follow the rules, there are consequences. I air on the side of giving my kids consequences rather than reminding them again and giving grace. Now I know that there is a time for grace and a time for consequences but I know I deal out more consequences than grace at times. I also know that Jesus was a man full of grace when he walked this Earth. I am not always sure how to implement that when training my kids. A phrase that Jaden has told me a few times keeps echoing in my head. It is, "Just give him one more chance." This is usually referring to Clay but also applies to himself when Clay says it. This is grace...to give one more chance. I know that Jesus has done this for me more times that I can count. I need to implement some more grace into my parenting.

Another thought sticking in my mind came from my brother-in-law, Eric. He has a strong personality, not all that different than mind, and is not afraid to speak his mind. He recently told me to go easy on Bryan or be more kind or something to that affect. I brushed it off, thinking I know I should but oh well. Usually I can come up with some excuse. I am tired. I am cranky, too bad. Just deal with it. Or he did something to deserve my unkindness. But what I have noticed is that those excuses have been popping up in my head more and more often. That is not good. I need to reassess my words and actions. If I want to be loving, I need to be kind, especially to my husband. Love is kind.

loving my Bryan for 13+ years

2011-08-01T23:14:00.004-05:00

August 1st is my wedding anniversary! I have been married to the wonderful, amazing, brilliant and loving Bryan Jarabek for 13 years. This year was my turn to plan our anniversary celebration. I planned the 2 day, one night excursion all around Minneapolis. Last year we celebrated in St. Paul so I thought we needed to give equal time to the twin city...really I just love the city.

We were so blessed to have my brother and sister-in-law take our boys for us overnight. We dropped the boys off and headed for Lake Calhoun in Minneapolis. We ended up getting a two person paddle boat to take around Lake Calhoun and Lake of the Isles. We mostly hung out in the shade and had a great conversation. It was a great, relaxing way to start our time together. Then we headed to check into our hotel, Aloft, in downtown. It was a sleek modern hotel. I loved it but Bryan said it had more of a business feel to it, but enjoyed it anyway. I got a great deal on it which made it even better. We got appetizers and drinks at Spoon River. Then we went to a play at the Guthrie (God of Carnage--so funny!) that evening and had a delicious meal at Vic's, along with a nice walk along the river. We slept in a little on Monday, August 1st, our anniversary. Then we got an early lunch at Northeast Social that was tasty and quick. After that we headed to a boat tour on the Mississippi River. We got a little rained on but it was still a fun tour. Our tour ended a little early due to the massive storm in the area. We still had more time before we had to pick up the boys so we checked out the Mill City Museum and got some hot drinks from Caribou Coffee. Lots of good food and new restaurants in two days!

That sounds like a packed 2 days without the boys but it was actually very relaxing and wonderful. We picked up the boys at 4:30 and are back to life as usual. Dinner at home. Bedtime routine with the boys. And snuggle time on the couch with Bryan. I love having Bryan all to myself!

celebrating my parents

2011-07-26T11:28:00.005-05:00

A little over a week ago on July 17th, my family threw my parents a big party for their 40th wedding anniversary (June 5th). My parents have 4 kids and all of us are married. The 8 of us had a great time planning the party. It ended up being quite a big job to throw a party for 200 people. And we like to decorate and plan big, so we did. The 4 kids all took a few minutes to give a tribute to my parents. I think it was great and I am sure my parents felt loved. I got pretty emotional while talking to my parents but that is because my parents are amazing and that is just not worth containing. I was probably a little long-winded in my tribute but I wanted to tell a few stories. Here are some of things I love about my parents.

Dad, thank you for caring about my life and what I was doing as a child. You taught me how to laugh and not take life so seriously. Thank you for teaching me to value people more than things.

Mom, thank you for teaching me to value apologies and forgiveness. You showed me that it is worthwhile to spend your time doing something that you love. Thank you for going out of your way to show me love.

Mom and Dad, thank you for caring about my interests and for taking time for them even when they didn’t match your interests. You knew that God always provided for us and passed that belief onto your kids. Thank you for showing me what loving your family looks like. Thank you for praying for me and letting me hear your prayers. I know that you invested everything you could into our family. I am incredibly blessed to have a mom and dad that are still married and still love each other and like being together. Thank you for being available to me and for allowing God to guide you in parenting me.

Thank you for all of the love, time and energy you invested in my life. You pointed me to God and allowed me room to grow to be the person God is still molding me to be. I love you and congratulations on 40 years of marriage. I pray that my marriage will be as loving and fruitful as yours.

the space shuttle era has ended

2011-07-21T22:57:00.005-05:00

The Atlantis Space Shuttle landed safely today at Kennedy Space Center. This was the finale to the very successful space shuttle program, retiring all space shuttles. This is sad to me because I dreamed as a little girl of rocketing into space someday aboard a space shuttle. The Challenger began my interest in space in 1985 and it continues as I follow NASA to see what is coming next. How will Americans get into space next? What will be our next NASA funded, human-carrying space vehicle? This is all still getting worked out. Rockets and spacecraft are still being designed and funding is hovering over them like a big cloud to see who will be awarded some money.

I am so satisfied that I got to witness the last space shuttle launch. And to top it off, I got to watch it with my two boys, sister-in-law, two nieces and one nephew. It was a complete pleasure with a few mishaps thrown in. The launch and the mishaps will never be forgotten. Stories will be told to our kids forever. They will never forget this trip because we will keep retelling it to them. It was one crazy adventure to drive over 3400 miles in 7 days. We had 3 days in Florida and we made the most of them. We went to the beach in the rain on day 1. Day 2 was spent waiting for the launch for 5 1/2 hours, watching the launch for 1 minute and sitting in 6 hours of traffic to go 45 miles. Day 3 was enjoyed at Disney World's Magic Kingdom. All 3 days were quite a blast! The highlight was definitely the space shuttle launch. The low light is a lengthy story involving lots of poop and 5 kids and being stuck in traffic.

I set out to enjoy the launch with my eyes, not through my camera lens but I did get a few pictures. Here are my favorites. Our group photo has the vertical cloud formation from the rocket exhaust to our left.

call me crazy...for space

2011-07-07T21:39:00.002-05:00

I am pretty sure I am crazy. I convinced my sister-in-law, Chrystine, to drive to Florida with all 5 of our kids together in the hopes of seeing the last space shuttle launch. We took 2 days, 28 hours in the van to get to Orlando from Minneapolis. The drive went surprisingly well for our two six years old, my five year old, her three year old and her three month old. There was much less fighting than expected. More adult conversation than expected and more fast food eaten while driving than anyone wishes.

We got to Florida as a tropical wave was coming in. Sounds like it is bringing lots of rain. We decided to try to take today easy after all of the driving and give the kids lots of wiggle room today. We decided to go to the beach and check out the public shuttle viewing areas. The beach was extra messy because of the rain soaking everything with us. And everything we seem to do takes more time than expected. We are going to get up insanely early to get a viewing spot for the possible launch on Friday. It is looking pretty unlikely but we don't want to miss it. There are already lots of people camping out in prime viewing locations but we should still be able to find a good spot around 6am Friday. Stay tuned for more of our adventure.

travel and school

2011-06-25T16:43:00.006-05:00

So my boys returned from Grandma Vicki's house (and Grandpa Cal) sleep-deprived and probably overly sugared-up. But that is what is supposed to happen at grandma's house. I think they had a blast playing with 2 of there boy cousins and getting spoiled by the grandparents.

I was also glad to have them home. I got a lot done while they were away and the house stayed amazingly clean. We had a weekend with Bryan's brother, Eric, and his wife, Laura, and their two boys at our house. It is always fun having them with us. Then there were a few days of school and we were off again. This time to a Davidson family reunion in Sturgis, SD (near Rapid City). That is Bryan's paternal grandmother's family. They are a big family and they like to have fun together. We are staying at campground with most of the family. Lots going on and the boys found another 6 year old girl to follow around so they are in heaven.

After this trip we will be home for a few more days and then off again. That will probably be the theme of our summer: home a few days and travel some more. That is the way I like it. I enjoy that the boys still get some more school days in over the summer but the number of school days keeps shrinking as we plan more travel and activities.

missing my boys

2011-06-15T16:14:00.003-05:00

My boys, Jaden and Clay, are in Fargo this week enjoying Bryan's family there. They left with Bryan's parents on Sunday and will be returning with Bryan's brother, Eric, and his family on Friday. This would normally be a nice welcome break but I am missing them. I am trying to take advantage of my free time and get in some scrapbooking but it hasn't happened yet...maybe over the next 2 days.

I am missing my boys more than usual. My life revolves around them. I wake up to take them to school. I plan my daily activities around their school activities so I can help at the school whenever possible. I finish up my errands in time to pick them up from school. I plan activities for them after school. I make dinner for our family while taking care of them. In the evenings we sometimes plan family activities together or at least I am used to hearing their voices throughout the house in the evenings. Our house sure has been quiet without them around.

Bryan and I have enjoyed our time together, which is reminiscent of the first 6 years of marriage before kids. We have now had kids for 6 1/2 years so that life seems very familiar. The kid-free life is unfamiliar and not so easy to enjoy when I am around the house so much. I am going to get back to some hobby time now before there are two little ones interrupting my plans.

Bryan's Honduras story

2011-06-10T14:31:00.003-05:00

Bryan wrote a nice letter with a great story about a patient that he treated in Honduras. It is a little lengthy but the story is worth it. Thank you to everyone for your prayers and donations that helped us with our time in Honduras! Here is the letter.

Dear Family and Friends,

It was another amazing trip to hospital Loma de Luz in Balfate, Honduras. This was my family’s third time going to help at the hospital on the northern coast of Honduras. This year we were able to take Raquel's parents, Oscar and Judy Vilhauer, with us as well. Thank you to all the friends, family and organizations that helped make this trip so successful. Pictures, stories and even a video tour that I made can be found on the websites above.

Let me tell you about our adventures! In preparation to go down to Loma de Luz we asked for friends and family to support us with items to take to the hospital and to pray for us while we were in Honduras. The items and money donated were greatly appreciated by the missionaries and staff of the hospital and will help in their work greatly. We also received many bags full of requested medical supplies and a ventilator machine from the Lutheran medical organization called Global Health Ministries. An organization named Crosslink International from Virginia also provided over $5000 in medications to take down to the hospital. We organized our trip through World Medical Mission, that supports us through logistics and prayer. All of these organizations are truly God inspired and make it so much easier to support medical missions around the world. Thank you for all your support.

Our family loaded up all of the donated supplies in 12 large suitcases to check at the airport, 5 large backpacks, and 6 carry-ons with our clothes for the two and a half weeks in Honduras. We got up at 3:30 AM on May 12th, 2011 to get to the airport and check-in our bags. We had to reorganize some of the bags to get under the 52 pound limit and off we went. We arrived in San Pedro Sula, Honduras that afternoon and Dr. Renee Kusler picked us up from the airport and took us on a little vacation to beautiful Roatan for a few nights. Then it was off to buy groceries and head to the hospital.

For the next two weeks we all helped out in many ways in the many ministries at Loma de Luz. Raquel helped classify and sort glasses at the eye glass clinic, unpacked and distributed the many medical supplies we brought, counted medications in the pharmacy, helped a missionary kid with PowerPoint, updated links on the new website www.crstone.org, and played with the many missionary kids and Honduran kids with the help of my sons, Jaden and Clay. Raquel's mom Judy helped sew some missionary banners, photo boards, pants, and 60 bandanas for the upcoming Missionary Kids Camp starting the week after we left. She also helped discuss plans for the upcoming pre-school building and was a great help with the cooking, cleaning and child care! Raquel's dad Oscar was very busy helping with many construction projects including installing 2 air conditioners, changing some windows, changing some window handles, installing a sink in the guard shack, fixing some gutters, expanding some doors, shaving down some doors, installing clocks, installing hooks, fixing toilets, installing a new shower head, fixing the light in our room at staff housing and many more projects.

As for me I saw patients in clinic, saw patients in the emergency room, admitted patients to the hospital, sewed up the lip of a 4 year old boy, sewed up a thumb of a girl helping to build the new chicken house on the farm, counseled and prayed with a patient who was dying from an incurable lung disease, admitted a patient with a heart attack and heart failure, admitted two patients with severe diabetic foot ulcers that will need amputations, admitted a 17 year old boy with a large inguinal abscess with over 10 milliliters of puss drained, and taught the nurses and doctors how to use the new ventilator that we brought down.

There was one patient that really made an impact on me, we will call her Maria. Maria was a 62 year old lady who came in requiring oxygen with a tank that had just run out and she was having significant trouble breathing. In Honduras it takes a very long time to get to the real story. She starts out by telling me her back hurts and she can't breathe. We get Maria on some oxygen and she is feeling better. I always start by asking the patient when they were last feeling well and then to tell me the story of what led to them being here. In the US I usually get a pretty accurate story with this question, but Maria just said she can't breathe and her whole body hurts. I ask her and her family more about her story and with every question I find out another piece of the story but never in order and never do I get more information than I ask. I ask how long this has been going on. She says 3 days and then clarifies it is more like 2 months. I ask if she has seen a doctor for this. She says she was referred here by a doctor in Jutiapa, one of the larger towns up the road. I ask if she knew what was wrong with her or had any records. She and her family said no. By this time I get the labs and an x-ray back that I ordered when she came in. Her x-ray shows severe bilateral interstitial lung disease with scarring of most of her lungs and her blood work looks fairly normal. I tell them she has scarring in her lungs which could be caused by many things. Her son, will call him Tomas, then tells me that a doctor in Tegucigalpa said the same thing. Tegucigalpa is the capital of Honduras with a large government run hospital. Now after I have spent about 40 minutes with the patient I finally find a link to an actual story. Over the next 40 minutes I eventually get the number for the physician in Tegucigalpa, talk to the physician on the phone, find out Maria was in the hospital in Tegucigalpa for 8 weeks in February and March, and find out she had TB about 2 years ago that was treated for 6 months with negative tests since then. I find out she had numerous CT scans, bronchoscopies (where they put a camera into the lungs) and bronchial biopsies (where they get tissue from the lungs). They did not find any bacteria, fungus, cancer or TB. Even though they didin't find any of these things they tried many treatments including antibiotics, antifungals, and high dose steroids for months with no improvement. She was eventually diagnosed with Pulmonary fibrosis and pulmonary hypertension (high blood pressure in the lungs) and sent home on oxygen and told there was nothing else they could do. The family heard about the medical mission hospital Loma de Luz and we were their last hope to find someone who could treat this disease. Unfortunately there is no effective treatment for Pulmonary Fibrosis anywhere in the world. I did however take the time to sit down with the family and explain the disease that was destroying her lungs and explain that no doctor could cure her disease, but I told them that God is the great healer and is in control which gave them some home and reassurance. We talked about Jesus, heaven, the dying process and salvation. She said she was a Christian and going to heaven when God calls her home. We prayed for God to heal her and I gave her some morphine pills to have at home because they couldn't afford oxygen and she was getting worse. I told them these could help make her comfortable so she didn't feel short of breath when the oxygen ran out. The patient and family expressed their gratitude for taking the time to explain things to them and pray with them and then we hugged and it was time to see the next patient. It is amazing how God uses the staff at Loma de Luz to bring people closer to Him, even when we can't fix their physical problems. I am so blessed to be part of this ministry and can't wait to help again next year!

Thank you to everyone that supported us,

Bryan, Raquel, Jaden and Clay Jarabek

why we go

2011-06-02T09:12:00.002-05:00

I enjoy going to Honduras and love my time there. It seems bittersweet to come back to our home in Minnesota. I like our life in the US too but it seems at this point that life in one country is not that much better than life in the other country, just very different. There are a few reasons why we have chosen to live in the US instead of Honduras or another country. Those include:
1.) We want to raise our kids in the US because it is safer, easier and they will get a better education not done by me as their teacher.
2.) We can live our lives on mission right where we are; we don't have to go to another country to do that.
3.) Raising our kids with extended family in their lives is important to us.
4.) There are more possibilities to use my education in a work setting in the US than in Honduras.

Every time we leave the country for any reason, I ask myself "Why am I going?". Sometimes it is just to travel and explore new areas, see how other people live and see the beautiful sights around the world. When we go on a mission trip, there are different reasons for going. I have come up with four reasons that Bryan and I have decided to take our family to Honduras every year. They are:
1.) We go to fulfill the great commission from the Bible: to share Jesus' story with others and help others become disciples of Jesus. (sometimes this happens in the smallest of ways)
2.) We go to love others just as Jesus commanded: "Love your neighbor as yourself." We serve and help and do whatever we can.
3.) We go to be apart of something bigger than ourselves. We get to share in all of the work that is going on for Jesus at Loma de Luz. It is inspiring to hear about all of the missionaries' plans and what they are up to. They are all doing amazing things! We get to hear about it and participate in their work in small ways.
4.) We like adventure. Life in Honduras is adventurous and we crave that sometimes.

In addition to that, it is fun to take people we know with us so they can experience what we have in Honduras. When you find something great, you can't help but share it. We are already looking forward to our next trip to Honduras.

worthwhile trip

2011-05-26T23:17:00.003-05:00

My parents and I have continued working on our projects at Loma de Luz. We are wrapping up lots of things tomorrow (Friday). I have some work in the eye clinic to finish up. My mom has some sewing projects to complete. And my dad has an air conditioner to finish installing. Bryan has clinic work again and probably something to finish up there too. It has been so great to have my parents with us. I have loved it! And I am not anxious to get away from them. I love them even more. It has been so great to serve others alongside them and grow in our faith and compassion together.

We continue to have fun and sweat a lot. The heat and humidity are extreme but in my memory, it is not worse than the other times we have been here. It might really be hotter and more humid even though it doesn't feel like it. This time I have rashes all over, most likely from the heat and extra sores on my feet that are not healing. Both of the boys have rashes/infections and are taking antibiotics too. I think we have had fewer issues with diarrhea so I will take the rashes over that.

We had a great time at Missionary Fellowship tonight where all of the missionaries and some Hondurans gather together to eat, sing and pray. I always enjoy this. There were more people there tonight than I have ever seen. It was a quite a party!

It is so exciting to be apart of everything going on here! God is alive here and we got to hear about so much of what He is doing through people's lives. I always love hearing about what ministries and outreaches people are involved in here. It is inspiring and I love sharing in the vision that people have for the future here. I can't wait to hear more about training health workers, helping boys from the dump, future community sewing classes, new missionaries arriving, expanding the farm, rescuing kids from terrible situations, healing physical wounds and seeing lives changed because of an encounter with Jesus. I am so thankful I get to experience some of this during our time here. I look forward to hearing more when we return again hopefully next year!

city dump

2011-05-24T23:59:00.002-05:00

Today we got to go help serve food to hungry kids that live near the city dump in La Ceiba. This is one of the poorest areas around. The kids are malnourished and have poor to very little parenting. These kids need a lot of help. They need medical care for their wounds. They need food for their hungry stomachs. And they need to hear about the saving and redeeming gospel of Jesus Christ. We got to help with all of this. The sad and hard lives of these kids break your hearts. I want to change their world and am trying to help in the smallest of ways.

A bowl of pasta, some bread and some milk for each kid.
A Bible story.
Some bandaids, anti-biotic ointment and a bar of soap.
Some pictures and hugs.

Hopefully these kids feel cared for and loved. They are by Lisa and her rotating crew. God loves them so much more than we could ever love them.

gracious missionaries

2011-05-23T20:28:00.002-05:00

There are so many loving, kind-hearted, gracious missionaries here. My family and I have been so blessed by them. We have had several thought-provoking conversations. And they have made us several meals that we have gotten to share with them. This is one of my favorite things about traveling to Loma de Luz. We get to share our lives with people here and we get to experience their lives too. These missionaries give so much of themselves to others and give even more by inviting us into their lives. I am so grateful for their time, conversation, food and all of the effort they go to in order for us to be here to serve others. We hope that we are helping people here but they also do so much for us. It is such a blessing to us.

feeling helpful

2011-05-21T08:31:00.002-05:00

My mom and I have gotten several projects now. We have both helped in the eye clinic. I have more work I can do there for a couple days next week. I got a couple projects from Dave, the IT missionary, to help him with the website. I also have some forms to create and some medicines to organize. That should keep me busy next week. It is a good kind of busy. Just the kind you want to be when you are trying to help others.

My mom has several sewing projects. I think she is enjoying them. Some of her work is mending and hemming missionary clothing. She is sewing some banners for teaching Hondurans to be missionaries to other parts of the world, particularly the Middle East. She also is making a couple of fabric covered boards to display pictures for two missionary kids here.

My dad has done a ton of work with construction and repairs to missionary houses. He finished some shelving in the eye clinic. He has repaired doors, windows, outlets, toilet paper holders and anything else he finds broken. He has more projects lined up for next week too.

Bryan has been in clinic the past 5 days. He has seen quite a few patients and admitted at least 3 people to the hospital. He took call overnight on Thursday and will again all day and night on Sunday. He has to go into the hospital any time someone comes in with an emergency. I have only heard about a few of his patients. One lady had bad COPD (lung damage similar to smoking) because of cooking over an open fire for many years. Another man had the worst infection on his shin I have ever seen.

We are having a great time here helping out. It is great to know we still have another week here.

identity issues

2011-05-19T00:53:00.002-05:00

Being in Honduras for the third time is feeling more and more comfortable. It is definitely easier to survive here than our first trip. I know where stuff is. I know how I can get around. I know what needs to get done most days. Life is manageable. So why do I feel like I have identity issues?

I have filled my time, my mom's time and the boys' time with things. Good things. Things that keep us from sitting around wondering what to do and if it was worth it to come here. We have been to the beach. Done some laundry. Walked over to the hospital and toured around a little. Ordered fresh tortillas. Made dinner meals of spaghetti, tacos and enchiladas. In the mean time, my mom and I were setting up projects to do. I forget that it always takes a little time to do this. So I have been questioning why am I here and how can I be helpful. Am I ok with being here for Bryan to help out and me to just live life and take care of the boys? I have a hard time only having identity in my spouse and kids. It is really hard for me. I don't do well when I am not sure what I am good at doing.

So today I started feeling helpful. Mom and I both have a few projects to do and it feels good. She made a cake for a birthday girl. She has a few sewing projects with more coming in. We got to work in the eye clinic today with the boys helping too. I have more work in the eye clinic to do. I am also helping out the IT missionary. Being helpful feels good and it is rewarding. Bring on the projects.

back at Loma de Luz

2011-05-16T00:04:00.002-05:00

I am so happy to be back at Hospital Loma de Luz in Balfate, Honduras. This is our third time here and it feels even more comfortable this time. Bryan and I and my parents are excited to get started helping people Monday morning. Lots of plans in the works but first on the agenda is unloading all of the supplies and gifts we brought with us.

Thanks again to everyone who added to the donation pile! Everyone here appreciates all of it.

We have all of our groceries bought and some meals planned. Bryan is on the schedule to see patients tomorrow.

It was fun hearing about what the boys remember of this place. They brought up right away where they remember seeing monkeys in the trees and pointed out the spot. Clay keeps saying, "I remember this place."

The boys are loving hammocks everywhere we go. They found the one in staff housing (our home for the next two weeks) and one of them said, "Now I remember where this is."

So great to share this experience with the boys. I am surprised already at how much they remember from February 2010. I hope the memories keep building and the idea of helping others keeps growing in them.

Roatan

2011-05-14T20:21:00.002-05:00

If you ever have the chance to visit Roatan, Honduras, do it! It is paradise here. Blue skys, sandy beaches, clear water, coconut trees galore and mango trees too. Great snorkeling and scuba diving. Some of the best in the world.

We have had a wonderful time here for the last day and a half. We will be leaving Sunday afternoon to head back to the mainland. All 7 of us (Bryan, Raquel, Jaden, Clay, mom Judy, dad Oscar and Dr. Renee) have spent a lot of time in the water. We used up a lot of sunscreen and bug spray and it paid off. We have consumed a lot of food but the fresh orange juice and lemonade have been my favorite. There was also a lot of ice cream consumed.

This is a nice break before heading in to work/volunteer at Hospital Loma de Luz. My family is excited to get out there and help.

hard lives

2011-05-07T20:34:00.002-05:00

I often have the question of why does it seem like some people have such hard lives and why does mine seem so blessed. I know that God is with me but He is there to be with everyone. I know that my parents have given me a good life and others have not been so fortunate. But today it just seems like there is so much more that I can't see about why my life is the way it is and why others have been given what they have.

When I heard of someone's sad and tragic story today, I just wish it could have been different for them. I pray that they have hope or find hope in Jesus. I don't want them to find a bunch of rules to live by but instead to find true freedom and great love in this life. I pray that they can see some of heaven here on Earth.

space shuttle launch attempt

2011-05-04T17:25:00.003-05:00

I had a great trip with Jaden last week. We traveled to Florida in the hopes of watching the space shuttle Endeavor launch for the last time. The shuttle didn't end up launching but we still enjoyed our time together on vacation.

Jaden's favorite part of the trip was playing with other kids. We met my childhood friend, Sara, at a park with her 4 kids and Jaden played till his hair was soaked. We also enjoyed mini golfing twice and the Orlando Science Center. It was fun comparing it to the Minnesota Science Museum; lots of similarities.

My favorite part was being back at Kennedy Space Center. It brought lots of memories when I worked there for the summer of 1998. It was great being at the visitors center even though we only had about an hour to tour around. It was pretty cool getting to see the space shuttle again but I still haven't seen one launch. The goal remains on my life list. Maybe I will get to see the last one in June.

The worst part of the day was being on a bus and standing in line for 9 hours. Jaden was quite a trooper and did great. His first reaction after we found out the launch was scrubbed was that he wanted to call his school to tell them because they were planning to watch the launch. When we decided to return home without waiting for the launch, Jaden was quite sad. He was a little sad that he wouldn't get to see the launch but more sad that I wouldn't get to see it. That broke my heart. I love to see his compassionate heart growing.

We were six miles away from the shuttle so the pictures are pretty fuzzy but this was our view. Six miles is the closest the public is able to get to the launch.

Florida vacation

2011-04-26T10:31:00.004-05:00

Bryan and I had a wonderful week away together, without kids. It was amazingly great and very refreshing. We had originally planned to go the space shuttle launch together that was originally scheduled for April 19th but now has been moved to April 29th. Because we missed out on the launch together, we decided to take advantage of our planned trip anyway. Bryan had already arranged to get the time off work and we had the grandparents taking care of our kids. We also knew that Bryan couldn't get off work to go to the launch on the 29th. So, we got a wonderful, sunny, warm vacation in Florida.

We spent 2 days in Orlando with one day at Universal Studios. We had a blast! Bryan ended up helping a guy that had a heart attack on a rollar coaster and we got to enjoy some nice perks at the park because of his kind actions. We had a great time going on rides and enjoying the movie shows/rides. We did the two parks in one day thanks to the express passes we got.

Then we were on to the gulf coast of Florida. We stayed two nights on Siesta Key. It was beautiful. We had read that there are amazing white sand beaches on Siesta Key and it is true. We enjoyed the beach. Used lots of sunscreen and got a little red. We strolled on the beach, looked for shells and ate long, leisure meals. We read a lot too. It was a very relaxing time.

We came home to an empty house and then my parents brought back the boys on Friday before Easter. We missed the boys and it is great to be back with them. I also can't wait for the next time I get to be away with Bryan! No plans for that now but I am always looking forward to more time with Bryan.

Honduras donations

2011-04-14T22:02:00.006-05:00

We are excited to be going to Honduras again in May 2011. This will be our third trip to Balfate, Honduras to help at Loma de Luz (http://crstone.org). We will be gone from May 12th to May 29th. For this trip Raquel’s parents, Oscar and Judy Vilhauer, will be joining our family of four in Honduras.

Bryan will work in the medical clinic and hospital again. Raquel and her mom will take turns with our boys and making meals. We will also help with the eye clinic, local schools, area churches, the children’s foster care house and a feeding program to kids living at the dump. Raquel’s dad is an all-around handyman and will put his efforts into construction, farming, plumbing, electrical and auto-mechanical projects. God has given each of us talents and we are excited to use them to help others in Honduras.

There are many requested items related to the ongoing projects at Loma de Luz. We are hoping to fill our suitcases with those items. We are including a summarized list of items at the end of this message that you can buy and donate to us (by mail or in person). You can also donate money to World Medical Mission for us to purchase supplies (we will use 100% of the money donated).

We would also love your prayers for protection and for the difficult lives of those living in Honduras.

Your financial donations are tax deductible and may be done online (enter Jarabek in the box) or sent to:
World Medical Mission
Attn: Dayna Wright
PO Box 3000
Boone NC 28607
On the memo line, please write “003493 Jarabek”

Thank you for partnering with us in prayer and donations to help the people of Honduras. “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21

Bryan, Raquel, Jaden (6) and Clay (4) Jarabek
7528 W 111th St
Bloomington MN 55438
701-367-0372 (Raquel)
952-412-0563 (Bryan)
astromom@gmail.com (Raquel)
doctorj.md@gmail.com (Bryan)

Requested Donations
-used glasses (5 years or newer) of any prescription with no scratches
-good to new glasses cases with no scratches
-reading glasses 2.00 and higher (5 years or newer)
-5 battery operated wall clocks
-foam hand sanitizer
-5 new stand up fans/pole fans
-15 new medium firm bed pillows
-gooseneck lamps
-scissors, all types
-newborn caps/hats
-2 basketball nets
-soccer balls
-ball air pumps and needles
-sensory toys (can be used in good condition)
-wooden train set
-animal hand puppets
-Crayola crayons jumbo and regular size
-pots with lids (all sizes; good quality that don’t rust easily)
-kitchen towels
-silverware
-small knives
-plastic pitchers, containers (Tupperware, Rubbermaid, etc.)
-cooking utensils
-10 metal two-pronged wall hooks
-2 toilet paper holders for walls
-3 battery backup alarm clocks
-thin blankets (fleece is fine but no thicker) for twin beds
-Backpacks with standard pencils, pens, notebooks for the schools
-American candy for missionary kids camp: Bubaloo gum, Rice Krispie treats, Air Heads, Blow Pops, Tootsie Rolls, Fruit Roll Ups, Fruit Leather, Nerds, Root Beer Barrels, Jolly Ranchers, M&Ms
-bandaids
-Q-tips and cotton balls
-1 liter commercial quality spray bottles
-hot water bottles
-isopropyl rubbing alcohol
-neomycin or antibiotic ointment (over-the-counter)
-Zinc oxide ointment (Balmex-like)
-Cetaphil lotion and cream, Lubriderm, or similar
-Over the counter cold meds in liquid and tablets
Prefer: 1. combo of antihistamine/decongestant
2. combo of antihistamine/decongestant/dextromethorphan
3. dextromethorphan or guafenisin (not a combo of both)
-heavy-duty stapler (commercial quality) and staples
-printer ink cartridges HP 21 and 22
-acetaminophen or ibuprofen

LARGER DONATIONS
-sewing machine for the missionary community
-2 new dorm size fridges (2’x2’ fits in luggage to take with us)
-new or like new carry on luggage
-digital camera for wound care documentation
-6 ton long neck floor jack
-6 VSR 3/8” corded drills of good name brand
-Airless paint sprayer
-6 heavy duty 10 guage extension cords
-microwave
-used or new laptops for clinic rooms
-20 used laptops for the villages
-printers (color with cartridges or laser printer with cartridge)
-HAM radios (model FT1900R or model FT25QR)
-large coolers (about 54 quart size)
-French/Spanish (side by side) Bibles to train Honduran missionaries
-French Rosetta Stone DVDs or Standard Deviants DVD

Note: There is a longer medical supply list (medial and large items) available upon request. Email astromom@gmail.com to request the list.

my funny Jaden

2011-04-13T09:27:00.005-05:00

Last week we took a trip to Madison, WI. Bryan had to go to a conference there and we tagged along for a little fun. It was a last minute decision but we decided to take advantage of me not working and the kids not technically in school and just go.

On the drive there, the boys were asking lots of questions. Where are we going? What are we going to do? Where are we now? How long till we get there? Are we still in Minnesota? Are we still in the United States? and the best of all...
Do they speak English there? asked by Jaden.
I love that my boys realize that not everyone speaks English. Love this and love his questioning and honesty!

We had the boys play in the backseat for awhile and we ate dinner in the car. Then it came to be movie time. We have some PBS TV shows recorded on Bryan's laptop for the boys to watch. Instead of starting the long conversation and enduring the fighting decision with the boys about which show to watch, I just picked one. I chose a Curious George episode because I know both boys usually enjoy George. I setup the laptop and got them ready.
Then Jaden said, "Mom, why do you like Curious George so much? Because he is not mean and there are no guns?"
To which I replied emphatically, "Yes!"
My Jaden knows me well...sometimes too well.

I think my kids are gifted and smart and I love to see their learning progress. Jaden is still practicing addition and subtraction and is already working on multiplication. The boy loves math! I love it too. Yesterday was a big day for him because he completed the thousand chain of beads at school. Yep, that's right, he lined up 1000 beads with number labels along the way. I love that he can better understand what 1000 is now. He was so proud of his work. We even took some pictures.

turning the grateful corner

2011-04-01T22:02:00.004-05:00

I just read a book about raising grateful kids and now I am learning to be more grateful. I found out that there was another layoff at ATK March 31st. I knew this was coming again for them. This is the third one in about a year. So sad. I feel for the additional 12 people that got laid off. People need their jobs. I wish there was some other way for companies to do this. I hurt a little tonight for a friend of mine that got laid off.

I am grateful it wasn't me this time. I am grateful that I feel like I am turning a corner in my career journey. I have found happiness in volunteering at the Science Museum of Minnesota and the Minneapolis Market. I can actually appreciate that I am not working right now. I have time to do some other things I enjoy. I have had plenty of time to take care of my sick kids. My to do list has never been shorter. I have had time to get prepared for foster care and adoption. I have had time to organize a family reunion and my parents anniversary party.

I feel like not working is now a choice. I have not had any job offers but there are engineering jobs out there if I really wanted them. The jobs are not worth my time and I like that I have time for other things I want to do. I have not been offered my dream job yet so I will keep pursuing that but for now...I have chosen to not work in an office. That feels good to write that. I know I will get back to my career field eventually but I can not predict when that will be.

nephew Oliver

2011-03-25T22:52:00.003-05:00

I am so happy to welcome another nephew into the world. I got to have fun taking care of 4 kids by myself tonight while my brother and his wife were taking care of a newborn. Thankfully I will have Bryan back to help in the morning.

We got to meet my newest nephew, Oliver, when he was just a few hours old. So wonderful to hold such a sweet little baby! I did hear him screaming over the phone but in person, he couldn't have been more perfect. I think he actually enjoyed getting jostled by the kids and listening to all of the noise they make. It must have soothed him. Kirk and Chrystine, just let me know if you want me to bring my boys over to make some more noise and put your baby to sleep.

science fair memories

2011-03-21T21:33:00.002-05:00

Sunday night I went to bed with excitement in my head. I was excited to do something where I used my brain. I was excited to relive part of my past. I was excited to judge science fair projects.

I had such a blast today. I was in a bit of a rush getting through it all to get done and home before Bryan had to leave for work at 3:30. He was at home with the boys today after their fevers yesterday. Even in rushing, I loved it. I loved talking with 7th and 8th grade kids about science experiments that they had performed. I hope all of them fall in love with science even if they don't win anything. I hope they all do it again and come back next year.

I judged 12 physics and astronomy projects by junior high kids at the Minnesota State Science Fair. All of the kids had already been selected from regional science fairs to compete at the state competition. So these kids, for the most part, knew what they were doing and talking about. Of the 12 kids I talked with, 11 of them did a great job. One kid did not want to be there. He had been required to do a project at regionals. He read notecards to me and never wants to do this again. That is too bad but he seemed to know that he was good at working with his hands so hopefully that is his take-away from this experiment. I don't know who will win but the awards will be given Tuesday morning.

After I got home, I told the boys all about it. It was hard for them to understand what a science fair is. They saw a 30 second clip on the news this morning before I left so they knew where I was going and what the place looked like. I dug around in our storage bins and found pictures of me at science fairs in 10th, 11th and 12th grades. (Jaden cared much more about the awards than the pictures. J-"Can I have your ribbon?"... Me-"No, you have to earn awards like that.") Those were some important events in my life. That helped me realize I was good at science and math and good at giving a presentation. I won lots of awards but never made it to the International Science and Engineering Fair (ISEF), which is the ultimate award to compete internationally. Science fair gave me confidence but also made me realize that I was not the best. I have been frequently reminded that I am not the best and it keeps me humble.

Ahhh, the science fair memories...they live on.

potential changes

2011-03-19T12:25:00.003-05:00

We have officially completed our classwork for the Foster Care Adoption Option program through Hennepin County. We have already filled out a bunch of paperwork. There are a few more forms to go. We need to get our reference letters in and need to get our home study scheduled. The home study is the next big step in order to approve our family for another kid in our home. We have narrowed our focus to a little girl, 1 to 4 1/2 years old, of any race.

We have been preparing mentally for this for awhile now but now the physical preparations will need to begin. We do not have a car seat or a crib for a one year old (let us know if you have one we could borrow if needed). My preference is still for a 2 or 3 year old and then we have a toddler bed and a car seat. And we will need to convert our toy room into a bedroom. The physical preparations will not take much time but will need to happen eventually. Right now this change still seems a ways off but it could happen within a few months. For now I am putting this off.

We continue to think about this future potential girl that will be in our house. We are reading adoption materials and books and are involved in some support groups. This will keep it all in the front of our minds.

foster care and adoption

2011-03-08T09:36:00.003-06:00

Bryan and I have spent over 30 hours learning about adoption and foster care. We have 6.5 more hours to go before we are allowed to begin our home study where we are asked every personal question imaginable.

We started out wanting to adopt and examined our options: international, domestic infant or waiting children. We decided to go with waiting children because we don't want an infant and don't want to invest a bunch of money into something that will have a big wait. I think the money thing changes you mentally and makes people devastated in the waiting and longing for something they don't have...so much so that it becomes unhealthy sometimes. So we avoided the costly route and went with the county waiting children. Then we found out that most waiting children are 10 years and older. We knew we wanted a child younger than our youngest (Clay is 4 1/2). We knew we also wanted only one girl because we have two boys and it would be hard to avoid the infant stage with two kids younger than Clay. And Bryan would say we are not ready for 2 more kids.

So that led us to the Foster Care Adoption Option where you get foster kids (some available younger than 10) in the hopes that you can adopt that kid(s). We have been through the adoption classes and are now finishing with a few foster care classes. Last night was our first foster care class and we are now considering Foster Care only. We love the idea of helping out a child and parent(s) to restore the relationship and heal some of the wrong stuff that has happened. At the same time, if that didn't work out, we would be happy to adopt. We are also considering 1-2 girls now, still younger than Clay.

This process continues to develop. We are not set on the fact that we need to adopt a child in order to feel fulfilled. We just know that we are supposed to pursue this process and see what comes of it. We have love, compassion, discipline, empathy and loyalty to share. We know that we will most likely not get a white child or one that looks like us (93% of the kids are of color) and that is exciting and challenging.

We love talking to our kids about all of the potential that lies ahead of us. I love their acceptance and questions. This has led to all sorts of challenging conversations. I love it!

This process of growing our family is a process...no conclusion or set ending. We could have another child in our home in 3 months or it may take a year. We are trying to be ready for anything coming our way.

want for blogging

2011-03-01T19:43:00.002-06:00

I want to keep blogging. It is healthy for me to process life. There are many things in my life that are blog-worthy every day but I don't always make time to retell the events.

I do not write for others to read, although I know there are a few people reading. I do like keeping up with people and I like exposing all of my insides to others. I have never been a person to hide things inside. If you know me for any length of time, you probably know that I don't shy away from any topic and will always answer personal questions. I enjoy conversation and asking questions of myself and others.

I am in want of my own blogging. I want the healing and completeness it brings to my life.

redirecting

2011-02-17T21:26:00.002-06:00

So I was all set to write a post about the incredible dinner I made with our meal group ladies at our house last night. We had separate girls and boys nights to hangout and chat. The girls decided to cook a gourmet meal together and I had the perfect menu all picked out thanks to Rachael Ray. We enjoyed passion fruit fizz sour drinks, apples and pears with gruyere cheese, garlic and herb cheese spread and wheat crackers, carpaccio-wrapped asparagus, bay scallop risotto, chocolate dipped strawberries and doughnut holes with almond caramel sauce. We even took pictures of all the food. It was super yummy and looked delicious too. But this post is about the shift from my easy, indulgent-filled life to helping someone with a very hard life.

Today I volunteered at the Science Museum and meant to hangout there for awhile working on my resume but I forgot my laptop in the rush to get the boys to school. Anyway I ended up coming back home after an exhausting 4 hours at the museum and crashed on the loveseat. I had a bad headache and leg cramps. I did not end up working on my resume and needed to get up and get ready for more volunteering at the Minneapolis Market. I didn't really want to go there but I always enjoy it. Bryan encouraged me to go if I could. I am glad I went.

The market is this amazing food pantry where anyone (mostly low income people because of the neighborhood) can come to shop for free food with dignity. The customers have to become a member that is sponsored by someone paying for their food. It is honestly the only place that I get to go and have conversations with people that are poor in America. I go there to do a job but in the process get to have amazing conversations with people that God loves.

Tonight I met a lady that had hoped to join the market and get some free food but we do not have any openings right now. Her body displayed her disappointment and I decided to talk with her more. I discovered that she is out of work and volunteering in the hopes of getting a job at 3 different places. She is a single mom with a car but her car needs a new battery. Her son was carrying around a bag with an electrical car battery charger to use in order to start their car. Wow! That is crazy! I didn't know you could actually live life that way. My heart broke. I couldn't offer this lady free food from the market. I could go and buy her groceries but it seemed she really needed a battery but she didn't know how to put it in either. Thankfully her friend that she drove to the market had a membership and she got a few things from her. As she left, I got her contact info and said I was going to try to get her a new battery.

I immediately called Bryan. After telling him the story, he was on board. I left the market early. Bryan loaded up the boys and met me at Kmart nearby. We got a battery and Bryan installed it. We did what we could to show this lady the love of Jesus. She is my sister in Christ. She gave me a big hug before we left and said God bless you. I returned with an emphatic, "May God bless you!" I still feel her big bear hug. She will remain in my heart and mind for days to come.

God, keep my heart soft to love others and keep my eyes and ears open for when you want me to be your hands and feet.

in the blaaaaahhhh

2011-02-14T12:33:00.002-06:00

I don't know how to describe my life when people ask. I spend a lot of time at home since being laid off. (I know I am not supposed to say I was laid off...I mean ATK reduced their workforce and I was part of the 15% that was reduced, because I worked part-time.) I spend my time mostly by myself with some time around the kids. I take my kids to school and pick them up. I do exercise DVDs. I read books. I read the Bible. I make lists and cross things off my list. I do endless internet research. I look for jobs and apply for a few here and there. I go grocery shopping. I do laundry. I do the dishes. I clean and pick things up around the house. I put laundry away and I clean out the dishwasher. I listen to podcasts. I work on my resume--it is never perfect.

I spend most of my time in the house. That has been the most difficult part for me. I love being around people. I love conversation. The conversation can be about anything. It can be me listening to two friends talk. I just want to be around life and people living it. I know I am living my life but it doesn't seem that much is happening. That is probably because my life is about waiting right now. Maybe it should be about living but some days there is this haze that is blocking the joy...like today.

I know I have things to be joyful about. My husband. Our date tonight. The kids bring me joy. The boys got little presents for Valentine's Day. We tied ribbon to each boy's present and hid them and took the ribbon around the house and then finally tied it to their doorknob of their bedroom. When the got up this morning and followed the ribbon to their present, smiles abounded. It was contagious. Although Jaden said he would have rather had a different gift (we are working on gratefulness). But soon after he was asking to have a present hidden for every holiday and then went through all of the holidays throughout the year. My boys love gifts. And that brings me joy to see them happy.

There are other things in life that are tough and have potential for joy. We are going through a lot of adoption/foster care classes right now and that has huge potential for joy someday. I am looking for jobs and talking with new people all the time about job potential. That could also lead to more joy. Maybe it is just the long winter and spring has potential to bring more joy.

scrapbooking

2011-02-11T14:47:00.002-06:00

I got back from a scrapbooking retreat yesterday where about 20 women, mostly from Rochester, MN gathered together. We rented a beautiful house and had lots of great conversation. I got quite a big of scrapbooking done. I did 25 pages which accounted for the major events in 2009. I am moving on to 2010 now and trying to decide between sticking with what I have been doing or switching to digital scrapbooking. I am still undecided. It has been a hand-on hobby of mine for so long that it is a big deal to change it. I started scrapbooking in 1997. Bryan and I have scrapbooks of us since we were dating. It is really neat to have that history for us to look through and being back so many special memories. It will always be important for me to do something physical that triggers things that have happened in my life. I love remembering. I think it helps me appreciate the present more and enjoy the life that I have.

strep throat, don't come back again

2011-01-29T15:52:00.003-06:00

This week was so difficult with both Bryan and I having strep at the same time. Taking care of kids when both parents are sick is extremely difficult. It got so bad that on Tuesday, we both had fevers and terrible aches and soar throats and we just couldn't gather the strength or energy to take the boys to school. They stayed home which meant a little more work for us but they are surprisingly self sufficient. They pretty much got their own breakfast (with dad pouring milk) and lunch out of their lunch boxes and brought us Gatorade. We love our boys and they have been extremely helpful this week.

We are also so very appreciative of our babysitter, Tabitha. She has been amazing through all of this and has surprisingly not gotten strep. She cleaned up Clay's puke 3 weeks ago (symptom of strep) and took care of Jaden after he was no longer thought to be contagious. Little did we know that both boys had strep then. Now we are all 4 on antibiotics and Tabitha came to save the evening when she cooked our boys dinner and put them to bed when Bryan and I couldn't get out of bed.

Even as miserable as this week was, it was still not as bad as 4 1/2 years ago when Bryan and I last had strep at the same time. We had a 3 month old Clay and a 22 month old Jaden and were very poorly equipped to take care of either of them while we were sick. We had no one that was willing to come help us and we barely thought we would make it through that.

Strep as an adult is 10 times worse than as a kid. I am hoping I never get strep again but in the least, I hope that I don't get it at the same time as Bryan.

friends that are family

2011-01-15T12:08:00.003-06:00

We had a great time with our friends from Chicago. They came to visit their old home and friends in Minneapolis. They stayed with us for 5 nights and they couldn't have been easier guests to have with us. We love Jon and Christina and their boys, Gabe and Will. Our boys love being together as you can see in this picture. They loved having a mattress in our living room. It turned into a great play area and wrestle arena.

Christina made my birthday even more special with a yummy carrot cake and dinner at Amore Victoria. We had a great time relaxing, talking, shopping and eating together. We have gotten to see their family twice since they moved away last summer and I can't wait until our next time together.

dueling interviews

2011-01-06T08:52:00.004-06:00

I have two interviews lined up.

Today, on my birthday, I am interviewing at the Science Museum of Minnesota in St. Paul for a volunteer position. I am super-excited about this because of the future possibilities. There may be some space-related work for me in the summer-fall time frame. I am pretty sure I will not get turned down to volunteer because they already told me that they have a position for me. I am not sure what all they will be asking but I am treating it like a warm-up job interview.

The second interview is for a position at NASA Goddard Space Flight Center in the Washington DC area. The phone interview is Monday, 1pm CST. I am not planning on getting the job but it is another opportunity for me to talk with people that I hope to work with someday. I was previously not chosen for this job because there were multiple PhD applicants with experience. A PhD is not required but they chose to offer the job to the 2 people with the most experience. Those two turned it down and now they are re-interviewing people. I do have some experience that relates to this position but I am assuming others with more experience will be interviewed. There are so many NASA contractors that are looking for jobs so the competition is great. I will be one of ten people interviewed so clearly there are many qualified applicants.

I will keep you updated on the job happenings. I am excited by these possibilities but still working hard to enjoy the life that I have instead of wishing and hoping and praying for a job elsewhere. It is easier to go on with life thinking I will be volunteering at the Science Museum and that I will get turned down for the Goddard position.

Today, on my birthday, I plan to take it easy as much as possible. Yesterday I finished a two week organizational project in our basement. It now is much more functional and we have a lot more open space for the boys to play. Today there will be exercise, interview preparation, lunch with a friend, interview to volunteer, maybe some time at the Science Museum, dinner with my family at the Cheesecake Factory and then relaxing with friends over a second dessert (cuz you can do that on your birthday) while they stay with us for the next 5 days.

This is a good birthday where I feel at peace with life (today) and ready to grab hold of whatever comes my way.

resolutions

2011-01-01T10:21:00.002-06:00

This year I have come up with a longer list than usual of New Year's Resolutions, probably because I think I have more time on my hands and I have already started implementing these.

1. Read 12 books this year.
2. Exercise 3+ times each week.
3. Lose 5 pounds over the year.
4. Read through the Old Testament of the Bible this year.

breathtaking picture

2011-01-01T09:57:00.002-06:00

One of my favorite pictures and my new background on my computer...breathtaking.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-28T10:33:00.004-06:00

We had a wonderful Christmas! Bryan worked all weekend at the hospital but we made the best of it. The boys and I spent lots of time at home and spent Christmas afternoon at the hospital to see Bryan. They got lots of treats there. It is always fun to go and hangout in the lounge and this time we played games. Jaden is teaching me chess and I look forward to many more games with him.

The boys now have a "playground" in our basement. They didn't really appreciate their gifts when they opened them but now that everything is setup, they are loving it! They have already started to play in the basement by themselves (big step)!

Here is our Christmas letter for anyone who hasn't read it yet (click on it to enlarge).

giving vs. receiving

2010-12-22T09:31:00.002-06:00

Right now we have a few presents under out tree. There is one for Clay and one for Jaden and 2 for my niece, Kira, and 2 for my niece, Brinley, and 2 for grandpa Oscar. I knew this would bother the boys because they each only have one gift under the tree and other people have more. I thought this would be a great time to teach them about the real meaning of Christmas. You know, Jesus, and the spirit of giving. I was explaining to them that other people got more gifts than them and trying to explain that gifts are not the focus of Christmas. As I was saying that, Jaden blurts out, "Ya, but it's ok because mine is bigger."

Wish you could have seen the looks on Bryan and my faces! Wow, you have really missed the point, Jaden. We have got to work on this some more. We did have a nice laugh over it. There is always more to teach your children. I am still working on more ideas of how to remove the focus off of gifts when the kids get so many from all of their loving family.

kuchen with grandma

2010-12-15T23:58:00.005-06:00

Today I had the pleasure of making kuchen with my 90 year old Grandma Alma. This is a big process that nearly took us all day to make 11 German custard pies, which is how I describe them. They are served for breakfast at my family's houses. I think they are really dessert but there isn't much better than dessert for breakfast.

My boys love kuchen and request is every time they see Grandma Judy (my mom). She has become synonymous with kuchen because she is the "kuchen bringer." She now makes kuchen way more often than she ever thought she would because she is my Grandma Alma's caretaker and daughter-in-law. Alma is unable to make kuchen by herself ever since she had a major stroke 7 years ago. She moved in with my parents after her stroke and it has not been an easy 7 years.

I took-in a piece of my grandma's feisty-ness today while cooking together. She is getting more forgetful, opinionated and stubborn as she ages. These traits can be hard to deal with when you are 90. But they become increasingly difficult to handle the longer you are around them. After today I can relate to my mom better on her hard days of dealing with grandma.

My parents are saints for taking care of my grandma. I hope that I can pass on that blessing to them someday. I know it won't be easy and can only be accomplished with God's grace but they deserve the best care including family around them.

I have been told that I share many personality traits with my Grandma Alma (and I agree) so I am praying hard that God crafts me and molds me to have more loving kindness in my character. I know that my sons and future daughter-in-laws will appreciate that someday when they deal with me as an old lady.

unemployed

2010-12-09T12:10:00.003-06:00

I am officially part of the unemployed. I am collecting unemployment as of today. I finally got my first unemployment check deposited into my checking account.

I have technically been unemployed since November 1st. I can't believe it took 5 1/2 weeks for me to start collecting unemployment. I did collect two weeks of severance pay and I technically worked during the week of November 1st so there goes three weeks. Then there is one waiting week where you don't get paid. That is up to four weeks now. Then you finally have a week where you get paid (the 5th week) and you can't collect it until the following week; hence 5 1/2 weeks later my first payment arrived. Wow, I sure hope others are not counting on unemployment to arrive right away.

I am getting outplacement services, paid for by ATK, to get me ready for my next job. Job hunting skills, resume updates, interview skills, etc. I am also getting very familiar with the MN Unemployment services. I have been looking for jobs but there is not much for me to apply for in the space field, particularly with NASA. I will open my horizons when I am dying to get back to work. For now, I am just trying to enjoy being unemployed.

pictures

2010-12-03T10:20:00.002-06:00

There are some new pictures posted at Picasa from our trip to Chicago in October and Halloween and Jaden's birthday.

snow-shoveling ministry

2010-11-30T11:38:00.003-06:00

I am still trying to figure out what to do with my time since my layoff one month ago tomorrow (Nov. 1st). Today I was planning on working out in my comfortable living room to a challenging DVD when I thought, I should go shovel the inch or so of snow on our driveway.

As I was getting ready, I was thinking about shoveling our newly widowed neighbor's driveway too. As I was scooping our snow, I began thinking about the additional widow in our cul-de-sac. Then thoughts of other single women came to mind: the divorced lady down the street, the divorced lady across the street, the probably-widowed elderly lady across the street and the lady whose husband has been in South Africa for over a year tending to his elderly dad. Every driveway I shoveled, I realized there were more I could help. The two single sisters across the way and the stay-at-home mom nearby with her husband already gone to work. There are a lot of single women living around me. I think they might be the modern day widows Jesus talked about in the New Testament.

It sure feels good to help others and I got a good workout doing it. After I came inside, 9 driveways had been shoveled because I let God use me this morning. Good thing it was only an inch of snow!

This is making good use of my time while unemployed. I pray that I will listen to God's promptings more. I know this leads to a better, more fulfilling life.

Jaden is 6!

2010-11-26T13:43:00.004-06:00

My little boy, Jaden, keeps getting bigger. He turned 6 years old on Tuesday, November 23. We had a big football party for him last Saturday where he celebrated with his closest friends. There was a lot of football played and a lot of wrestling that made the moms close their eyes. It is amazing how rough 4-6 year old boys play. No one got seriously hurt which seems like a miracle and that makes me very thankful. The boys played a few football games and ate some cake. My mom once again did an awesome job decorating the football field cake that Jaden requested with Teddy Grahams. Bryan helped me create a football field in our living and dining room after we moved the furniture into other rooms. We used green plastic tablecloth and lots of tape to secure and label the field. There was lots of play space and many footballs were kicked and thrown. I am sure this will be a memory in Jaden's head for many months to come. He got to kick and throw footballs in the house - this was quite the exception to the rule.

Jaden is incredibly physically talented. He loves all sports and constantly amazes me with his football knowledge and attention span for football. I will not be surprised if he is a sports star in high school. I pray that Jaden allows God to use his talents for good.

This year Jaden's actual birth-date reminded me of the year he was actually born (2004). He was born on a Tuesday and this year we got to celebrate on Tuesday. I went into labor Sunday night. Yes, I had a very long labor; about 36 hours of timed contractions (less than 10 minutes apart). I had just defended my master's thesis the previous week, on Thursday I think. On Monday morning I had to call into my work and tell them I was in labor and not coming into work. I spent most of Monday laboring at home. We went into the clinic mid-afternoon and I was 3-4 cm dilated. We chose to walk around instead of get admitted. We headed to Crystal City, VA to walk around the mall. This was awkward as I kept having contractions around strangers but the walking was helpful. We headed back into the hospital (near the clinic) Monday evening after I had progressed. I was admitted and got an epidural. I got to sleep about 2 hours after not sleeping the night before and Jaden was born around 9:30am on Tuesday. We left the hospital on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, and there were many thanks going up to God. Then my parents flew out that evening to help us and meet their new grandson. That was a Thanksgiving to remember.

What a blessing Jaden has been in my life! In more ways that he will ever know! I need to share this more with him. I am truly blessed to have him as my son. He is an amazing kid and shares his energy and excitement for life with everyone around him. He is my contagious energetic son.

brace face

2010-11-19T18:36:00.005-06:00

Before:

After:

I am still figuring out what to fill my life with since being laid off but one thing that is sure to take up more time is having braces.

I have been seriously contemplating getting braces for about 3 years and finally went ahead and did it to take advantage of my orthodontic coverage that is expiring soon because of the layoff. I have an ectopic eruption of my upper right canine that is the main reason for the braces. I am very much looking forward to not experiencing the physical discomfort this tooth has caused me in the past.

I am sure to be in pain or at least uncomfortable for 18 to 24 months. I have not successfully been able to chew food since getting the braces put on Thursday afternoon. I am living on smoothies, milk shakes and mashed potatoes right now. I am sure to expand my menu into pudding, yogurt and oatmeal. Any other food suggestions are appreciated.

I was doing great for the first few hours after getting the braces. Last night and this morning were painful but Tylenol and Advil provided some relief. I am feeling less pain now and it is encouraging that it won't last forever. Maybe I will be able to chew something tomorrow but I am not counting on it.

laid off

2010-11-05T09:24:00.003-05:00

I arrived at work on Monday with 50 or so cookies in tow. They were ready to be passed out as soon as I heard word of the first layoff. We all knew they were coming but were all wondering when would be the first one. There was a 10 minute conversation with friends and coworkers about our dread and concern for the day. I returned to my desk to go about work as usual when I got a call from my manager.

Me - "Hello."
Him - "Can you come to my office?"
Me - "Sure."

I walked into my manager's office knowing that this might be it. I watched for the cues. He closed the door. This was truly it. He had a piece of paper intentionally hanging 1/4 of the way out of a manila folder. I read it upside down. "Last day worked is Nov. 1, 2010"

He went on to nervously explain the procedure for the layoff. I remained calm and did my best to reassure him I will be fine and have already been looking for other work, space-related work, not weapons. I told him I knew that he had a very hard day ahead of him too. He told me that he was always pleased with my work and that he would be happy to provide a reference for me. I appreciated hearing that.

I went on to talk with friends, old acquaintances and new acquaintances throughout the morning while handing out cookies to anyone I saw. I know the cookies didn't fix anything but they were a nice conversation piece and a little sugar brings smiles to people's faces. In total, 77 of 495 employees were laid off, or about 15%, which was less than the 20% we were warned about 3 1/2 weeks earlier.

In the end, I am happy that I got laid off from designing weapons. The big picture disgusted me at times but also brought me to a better appreciation of our military. I enjoyed the daily work but was overwhelmed at times by the consequences of weapons. I feel good that I got laid off instead of someone else because my job was not necessary for my family to survive. I feel for and pray for those that got laid off that desperately need their income. That was the hardest part of the day...seeing others struggle.

Now I am figuring out what life looks like for me without a job outside the home. I have 2 kids that go to preschool/school 4 days a week. I love this mix for them and they need the school. Now what do I do with my time?

I did the stay-at-home gig for 4 years and it didn't workout so well for me. It left me depressed and sucked some major joy out of life. I am concerned about this happening again. Bryan is very encouraging and not rushing me to get a job again but to explore if I can enjoy not working for awhile. I am trying that for now.

No NASA job but maybe a layoff

2010-10-22T19:38:00.003-05:00

There is no potential NASA job for me for awhile. I just heard back that the position I was still being considered for is no longer being offered. It may be up to a year before the hiring situation changes at NASA Goddard Space Flight Center in the Washington DC area.

Well, there may be no NASA job in the near future but there may be a layoff for me coming soon. I will find out on November 1st whether that will be my last day at ATK. To be honest, a layoff wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I would rather be working but could probably entertain myself for 6 months or so. My work is laying off 20% or about 100 people on November 1st and I will likely be one of them. We are all waiting to find out.

I will continue to look for NASA jobs but there are very few opportunities right now. I am holding off on looking into contracting jobs for now. I am continuing to explore other job options in the Minneapolis area. I pray that God continues to give me purpose and meaning in my blessed life no matter where I work (house or office).

Jaden made my day

2010-10-08T15:36:00.002-05:00

Yesterday as I was dropping the boys off at school. I ran around their small building. I made sure the boys got cereal. Gave some pictures to the teacher in the other room for a project that day. Then came back to Jaden and Clay and gave them hugs and kisses before leaving. As I was heading out of the door of the room, Jaden yelled, "Mom!" I turned around to see him and he looked at me and yelled, "I love you!" and then blew me a kiss. That just melted my heart. I yelled back, "Love you too!"

Then Clay said loudly, "I love you, Mom." I responded to him, "I love you, Clay."

I walked out of the room and building to my van. I had the biggest smile on my face. What joy my boys bring to my life! I think that was the first time Jaden or Clay told me that they love me without me prompting them. Maybe they really get it. Maybe they are just repeating what they have heard. Either way, I am overjoyed to hear it and I will treasure it.

This comes on the heals of me recently having a conversation with Clay after him telling me, "I love football, Mom." I explained to him that he doesn't just say that to me. He can't really love football and he proceeded to tell me that he really does. Surprising but maybe he does. I would have expected that to come from Jaden. Maybe I have two football loving sons.

Bryan and I recently saw the movie Backup Plan with Jennifer Lopez. It was cute romantic comedy but the line that sticks in my head is, "Kids are awful awful awful awful and then something beautiful, magical happens and then awful awful awful." I kind of agree with that statement but would adjust it to be, "Kids are difficult and wear you out most of the time and then every once in awhile there is a beautiful, magical moment that reminds you of why kids are so amazing."

Yesterday morning Jaden gifted me with one amazing moment.

I didn't have kids because I love children so much. I knew that kids would challenge who I am and craft me into a better person because God uses them. I am reminded of that almost daily. My kids challenge me on every front and I enjoy the challenge most of the time. Yesterday morning was not one of the challenging times but it still creates better character in me.

Thank you, Jaden and Clay, for loving me. You make me more loving of others.

my mom

2010-10-04T11:42:00.004-05:00

My mom turns 60 today! I don't think she will mind too much that I am telling the world her age. I want to be 60 and proud of it someday. My mom is amazing! She should be proud of who she has become at 60 and all that God has used her to do with her life.

She has been a great mom to 2 sons and 2 daughters. And an amazing grandma to 8 (soon to be 9) grandchildren. She is so good with kids. That is clearly her gifting. God granted her with amazing patience and the ability to teach children. She still has a childlike heart and that helps in relating to kids.

She is also a great sister and daughter to her family in California. But more than that she is an unbelievable daughter-in-law to my dad's mom. My grandma Alma lives with my parents and my mom takes care of most everything my grandma needs. She is amazing in the amount of love she has poored out to take care of grandma. Sure there might be some complaints along the way but everyone else would have given up by now and grandma would have been in a nursing home a long time ago if it wasn't for my mom. Her love for her mother-in-law is inspiring and I hope I can bless my parents and in-laws the way I have seen her demonstrate.

My mom, Judy Vilhauer, is an amazing woman and I was so happy and privileged to help throw her a surprise birthday party on Saturday. My dad and I came up with the plan and mom felt loved by all of her friends and family that came to celebrate. She loves chocolate so the fondue fountain was an obvious choice for a celebration.

Happy Birthday MOM!

Jaden sayings

2010-09-24T21:52:00.002-05:00

Jaden was full of thought-ful comments today. Here is a sample:

We were driving in the van and I told Jaden to stop picking his nose and asked if he wanted a tissue. He responded in a sarcastic tone, "Do you think there's really gold in there?" He already seemed to know the answer. I laughed and said someone probably said to him at one time, "Are you diggin for gold?" He said with a laugh, "I know there isn't gold in there."

This weekend Bryan is fishing in South Dakota with his dad and uncle. I chose to stay at home with the boys instead of go with him. There were a few reasons for this choice. Jaden's interpretation of my choice was described like this tonight: "Mom, I know why you stayed with us. It's because you like us." I said, "I sure do and I love you too." I am just beaming to know that Jaden gets it that I like him. It is not always that way and he knows that I get frustrated with him frequently. I am just thrilled to know that the "like" feelings outweigh the "frustrated" feelings. I know that but it means even more for my son to realize that.

Then tonight when I was tucking Jaden in bed, he said, "I was naughty at school today because I missed you." He just knew the right thing to say to make me feel guilty for sending him to school for 5 days this week (usually just 4 days). That little stinker. I am trying to just brush it off. He made some bad choices at school today when he knew better. I am responsible for disciplining him but not responsible for his bad actions.

I need people.

2010-09-13T21:16:00.002-05:00

There are things that I like about my job. I enjoy interfacing with other engineers and people in general. If I were to stay at home during the day or work from home, I would definitely miss talking with other people. It is amazing how much a single conversation can change my mood for the day. My worst days are when I sit at my desk all day and do my work and don’t talk to anyone. My best days happen when I have multiple conversations with people about work and our personal lives. I need those work conversations to feel like what I am doing is useful. Someone out there appreciates what I am doing, I hope. I also need to be reminded that while I am at work, I am still looking for things and conversations that result in eternal reward.

It is amazing how quickly I forget that I need people. I need other adults in my life. I just spent the past three days with my boys. I love spending time with them and that is why they only go to school 3-4 days a week. When I spend 3 days straight with them and only see Bryan in the evenings, it makes me realize that I need conversations with other adults to cheer me up and realize that life is bigger than me. That is one reason why staying-at-home full time with the kids didn’t work well for me. Over the weekend I did have a few short conversations with other people: a neighbor, a pediatrician, ticket sales lady, etc., but I realized today that it wasn’t enough. Why didn’t I call anyone to hangout over the weekend? We did play with two neighbor boys but without much adult time. We had 3 dinner meals with just the 4 of us. That rarely happens. We eat dinner together a lot but usually there are other people involved. I knew I wasn’t enjoying life over the weekend but couldn’t really put my finger on it until today at work. I need more people in my life.

Bryan's response, "You are such an extrovert!"

beautiful walls

2010-09-08T21:45:00.005-05:00

I have two new pictures on my entryway walls that bring me such joy. Above is a picture of what it looks like. I took the picture of my boys on the right and I love it. It is my favorite because they are always running somewhere. I painted the picture with the words. It is actually the 4 family values that Bryan and I came up with a few years ago. I was inspired by an amazing artist at redletterwords.com It is my own take on her art. I love that it didn't have to be neat and perfect. These are 4 things that we hope to instill in our boys. We hope that as they grow, they will help us define what is important to our family.

I am treasuring my family even more right now. I just heard tonight that our neighbor died today. The family had become friends of ours over the last year. I connected with the mom and enjoyed our extended conversations. Jaden and Clay love to play with their 5 year old son. We enjoy having their 15 year old son mow our lawn. Bryan gave their family free medical advice. The family lost their father and husband. My heart aches for them and my eyes have welled up with tears more than a few times. I can't fathom their loss. I can't imagine raising two boys without a husband and father. They are Christians and know that he is not only in a good place, but a "great place" as she commented to us tonight. My thoughts and prayers are with them. I pray that God brings his people around them to comfort them and help them cope.

back from Utah

2010-09-06T19:46:00.002-05:00

I spent last week working in Utah. The trip was better than I expected and I got to experience the space-side of ATK. There is space stuff everywhere around their main facility in Promontory. And I got to watch the static DM-2 test of the modified Solid Rocket Booster. It is an expanded rocket from those used on the Space Shuttle (2 white ones on the sides) and was planned to be used on Ares I and IV for the Constellation program. Now ATK is trying to get NASA and Congress to fund solid rockets for future space use. I really hope it happens. The US should keep its space capabilities and expand on them, not lose out ability to get humans to space. Lets keep exploring the unknown and expanding out knowledge!

I was in Utah working on an upgrade to some software that I use daily for system engineering and requirements management. We made great progress and it feels good to see something close to completion that I have worked on the side of my main projects for the last year or so.

no NASA job...yet

2010-08-23T22:14:00.003-05:00

I got the sad news today that I was not chosen for the NASA GSFC job that I applied for and interviewed. I tried really hard to get it and interviewed over the phone on vacation because they weren't doing in-person interviews unless you were local. I did some work for my references while on vacation too. But in the end I was up against 12 people for 2 positions. I was qualified for either position. I ended up being #2 for the position I most wanted. I was told to try again and they would be happy to hire me and that the panel disagreed on who to hire. There is hope for me but just not yet.

I shed a few tears and then tried to forget about it with family. Bryan's parents are here and we went out for his upcoming birthday. Then I chatted with our neighbor, whose husband is dying. That always brings perspective and gratefulness to the surface.

While I was telling Jaden about me not getting the space job, he tried to encourage me by telling me to keep working on weapons. He said, "You are helping the army." We talked about it for awhile and he was so cute and so pro-military. I tried explaining to him that I do not want to have anything to do with killing people even if it is when we are at war. He responded, "It is just one army fighting another army." He seems to get it more than I realize, but I still take issue with it. Who knows, he may end up in the military some day.

active boys

2010-08-10T22:19:00.004-05:00

The boys were busy with sports in July. Here are a couple of my favorite pictures.

Jaden was a little soccer star. Actually, they both love soccer and it was nice to see Clay participating more. Jaden was aggressive and Clay helped people up when they got pushed down. They both did a great job and had lots of fun.

Clay was a little fish. Jaden refused to get in the water for the first three lessons. In the end, they both did really well with their first swimming lessons. They both passed to the next level. Success was a achieved because they are loving taking showers now and are not as afraid to put their face in the water.

More pictures here.

up and down day

2010-08-09T21:06:00.002-05:00

Today has been a day filled with lots of ups and downs. I am still trying to process it all.

1. held a gun for the first time (the weapon system I work on at ATK; XM25/XM29/IAWS/High Explosive Airburst Weapon System/OICW) and I wasn't looking forward to this

2. flooded with work to accomplish in a short time while Bryan is working evenings and I have the kids by myself for 3 nights

3. cried with a neighbor whose husband is dying of cancer and they have 2 sons: 5 and 16 years old

4. opened my email to discover I have a phone interview with NASA Goddard Space Flight Center in the Washington DC area next week; 2 jobs will be offered on 8/20; lots of prayer continues

All of these things are leading to more time spent praying. So many thoughts and so many different prayers. I just want to see the bigger picture in all of this.

baby step

2010-08-06T11:46:00.003-05:00

I took another baby step closer to working in the space field again. My resume made it through the first level of sorting at NASA Goddard. I received an email yesterday that stated: Eligible – Application Referred to Selecting Official. I am encouraged to pray more. I am thankful for this step and praying for it to go further.

12th anniversary

2010-08-02T21:29:00.006-05:00

I have the greatest husband ever! He surprised me with one of my life goals...to go skydiving. We took the big jump last Friday, at the start of our anniversary weekend together.

We had an awesome weekend at the St. Paul Hotel in downtown St. Paul. It is beautiful and they gave us an upgrade to a suite for free! We also got to go to Cory and Mel's wedding on Saturday! They are great friends of ours from our church meal group. Then on Sunday Bryan got us tickets to see A Streetcar Named Desire at the Guthrie in Minneapolis. All of this was made possible while my brother and his family took care of our boys. That was such a treat. Thanks guys!

Bryan and I take turns planning our anniversaries and this year was his turn. Here is a list of what we have done in case anyone is looking for some ideas for their own anniversaries or to spoil your spouse.

11. Valleyfair
10. Paris beforehand (Day of: in Honduras with homemade cookies in the shape of a 10 and fresh picked flowers, new DVD of wedding, swimming date to a waterfall)
9. Lanesboro, MN B&B
8. Moon/Space room at theme hotel in Burnsville, MN
7. Red Wing, MN at the St. James Hotel; exploring rural MN
6. New York City (romantic dinner, lots of walking, Central Park carriage ride, The Lion King)
5. Italy beforehand (Day of: outdoor orchestra concert of cartoon music and picnic meal)
4. Hot air balloon ride in VA
3. Horseback riding in a park in DC
2. Hotel in downtown DC with room service dinner replicating what we had the day we got engaged in DC.
1. Houston, TX for me to go on Vomit Comet; dinner with 2 other college guys. This is what probably spurred us on to do something different next year.

sometimes emotions overwhelm me

2010-07-26T20:51:00.004-05:00

I am sad to be having good friends move away, especially a family that we mesh with so well. I get along so well with the mom and Bryan with the dad and our two boys with their two boys. The Klinepeters will always have a special place in our hearts and lives. That has definitely added to the tears over the last two days. I am also emotional for many other reasons.

Our good meal group friends, Andy and Sarah, are also moving away in a few short weeks. It will be hard to say goodbye to them. They love our boys like family.

I wish I was moving away but there are no interviews on the horizon, let alone a job offer. I wish I wasn’t working on weapons. I wish that I had a job that I felt called to do and be there. I wish I could have extended family close-by, wherever we live. Those things don't mesh well for me. Family and job locations have many miles between them.

I thought I was close to getting a job (or at least an interview) at Goddard, in the DC area, working with the people that I did some of my master’s research. I found out a couple weeks ago that my resume was put in the loser pile, otherwise known as “you are not the best qualified.” That depressed me. I struggled with reassessing my job search strategy and didn’t come to any new conclusion. Then another job, actually 2 openings, were posted in the same group at Goddard. These positions I am more qualified for, but it is still a waiting game to find out if I get grouped in the “best qualified” category of resumes. There have been a lot of prayers going up over this job posting.

I am emotional because of uncertainty in my life. When will I get an interview? A job offer? When will we move? Do I really want to move away from family? Do I really want to miss out on events in my siblings lives? In my parents' and grandparents' lives? In my nieces’ and nephews’ lives? I know I don’t want to stay in my current job for that much longer. I really do feel like God has given me a passion for space work that just won’t die. I believe that is what I should be doing and Bryan is supportive. I still feel bad because I am choosing to move away from family. I always have doubts. I may be sure one moment and second guessing it the next.

On the flip side, there are good emotions and tears of experience mixed with fulfillment. It feels good to know when God has affected you and changed you, that He can use that to help someone else. I felt that last night and it feels good. God is still around us and going with us. He helps us through the tough times and the emotional times. I just never know how God will use my current experience to help someone down the road.

All of this is making me emotional. It seems so easy to cry. It used to be hard for me to ever let anyone see me cry but now there is no stopping it. Let the tears flow…but wait till I am out of the office…ha ha.

boys lovin life

2010-07-23T21:56:00.004-05:00

I took a bunch of pictures of my boys back at the beginning of May because I was concerned their school pictures wouldn't turn out well (it wouldn't be the first time).

This is one of my favorite pictures of the boys. I have an 8x10 size picture for us to frame. Some people may miss seeing their faces but I think this picture speaks loud and clear. It will always be a reminder to me of what life was like when I had 2 young boys. I know this stage won't last long.

They were just having a blast running across this bridge at a park area near our house. Jaden is always in the lead, bolting straight ahead, as fast as he can. Clay is so content to follow. He is enjoying the run along the way, checking out the view on the side of the bridge. Jaden is focusing straight ahead on getting to the otherside of the bridge. Both are moving fast, exploring the world through their own eyes.

I love my boys! So much energy wrapped up in tiny bodies.

anger rising

2010-07-21T22:14:00.002-05:00

It is not that is wrong to be angry but this morning I got angry about the wrong things. I was irritated at myself for taking so long to get ready for work and getting up late. I was tired from staying up too late last night, in addition to not getting enough sleep the two previous nights.

Instead of letting my own issues go, I took it out on my kids. They are slow to get ready and get out the door. This is normal. It is their way of life. They are never in a hurry and I am constantly in a hurry and trying to get them to hurry up. I had to repeatedly ask them to get their shoes on, go out the door and get in their carseats. It just wears me out. If I gave them a consequence for not listening on the first time that I asked, they would have that consequence 99% of the time we leave the house. I am just not sure it is worth it. I am the one who needs to change here, not my kids. This is my problem of lateness colliding with their enjoyment of living in the present.

I tell my kids they are “making me angry.” But in reality, it is my choice. They can not make me angry. I have chosen to be angry over something inconsequential. I did not need to be to work by an earlier time. I just wanted to be there earlier. I will be apologizing to my boys tonight.

I get frustrated with my kids and then every little thing irritates me, like my husband forgetting to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer. It builds until I hit my head or trip or drop something. I am not good at getting rid of frustration.

I need to work on
letting my frustrations go,
not making my kids feel bad for my own issues,
not taking my anger out on my kids,
and enjoying the moment.

I can only do that with God’s help and correction. I know He is correcting me now. God works through our frustrations and makes something beautiful out of them...beautiful character.

getting back to normal

2010-07-08T21:09:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I love blogging and miss it. It helps me process life. I haven't had much time to process life lately because we have had so much going on.

We had a great time in DC, then Sacramento, and then LA. I hope to put up pictures but they are not ready yet. It's on the to do list.

Right now I am enjoying my boys in swimming lessons and playing soccer.

We have seen a lot of family over the last month. Family at the funeral. Family at Clay's birthday party. Family for doctor's appointments. And we just had my aunt and uncle and three cousins here a few nights ago.

My mother-in-law has surgery tomorrow. Please pray for her. We are hoping that her SI joint (connection of tail bone to pelvis) is made healthy tomorrow. She has been in quite a bit of pain for the last year and is ready to be done with it. We have family with us right now and will be for at least a little while.

We are getting stability back in our life with laundry and cleaning and lots of time at our house. It feels good. I usually despise normalcy but for once it feels good. It probably won't last long.

packing thoughts

2010-06-23T23:15:00.003-05:00

The last week and half flew by as we worked and tried to relax in our routine before our next trip.

We packed Tuesday night and traveled by air to Los Angeles today.

Lot of thoughts streaming in my head while packing for the trip. Here are some.

In the chaos of packing and frequent travel, I appreciate the mundane routine of life more. This is the third trip for our family in one month. Crazy!

This is my 9th week of vacation that I am taking from work this year. Thankfully, the rest of the year will have less irregularity and more routine. At least that is what is planned right now. It is good that I only work part-time so that I can still fit in work around our vacation time. We love to travel and 9 weeks of time-off sure shows it.

We love sharing all that we have with others because it reminds us that all that we have is God's. It keeps us less attached to our stuff and more focused on people. It is still added work to share rather than keep your stuff to yourself but the extra work is definitely worth it.

I am also feeling down about work stuff. I have a applied for 40+ jobs with NASA but only heard a response about one with a little interest. I have been underqualified for good chunk of the jobs I have applied for but some response, even rejection would mean that someone is looking at my resume. Almost all of the jobs are still open and in process. That processing stuff sure takes a long time. It is good and sad that we are visiting DC and LA where I am applying for jobs because we could end up living here someday. But I sure do wish I was here for an interview too.

I know there is more that I could do about contacting people at NASA and some of that just hasn't happened because I usually have loud children in the background. I am getting quite sick, not quite literally yet, of working on weapons and need to find something else to do. I know that someday someone from work will find this blog, so you should know, if it isn't clear already that I don't want to be working on weapons. I want to be helping to explore space. I know that God has planted this passion in me and I know that I should be using it. I know that God will fulfill that but I am not good at being patient and finding enjoyment when it is difficult.

lazy me

2010-06-15T22:01:00.001-05:00

Most people would not describe me as a lazy person but that is what I have been trying to be since January 1st. Yep, that is right. My New Year's resolution was to be lazier. I like to joke about it but it is really hard for me to relax and do nothing or just do one thing at a time. Any time I try to relax by watching a movie or reading or playing a game, I always find ways to combine it with another activity on my to do list (email, blogging, exercising, bills all take place while doing something else).

So I have been trying to cut back on doing stuff; everyday things that always seem to take my attention. I feel like I have succeeded this week. Every kitchen counter was covered with stuff; stuff to put away after unpacking, mail to go through, bills to pay, stuff to register for the kids, etc. That never happens in my house. I even noticed that I still had people's Christmas cards stashed away behind pictures on the wall. There were toys, blankets, clean laundry, papers, books and clothes all over the floors in every room of the house.

I succeeded in laziness, if only for a few days. Tonight Bryan and I caved in and cleaned it all up. A few things remain but the house it quite clean and picked up. The last couple days were a challenge to not lose sleep and choose not to clean. Glad I placed sleep as more important than a clean house. I will never regret that decision. I need to choose to be lazy more often! Really I need to find the true, holy benefit in rest.

Marriott family

2010-06-11T20:07:00.003-05:00

It was a sad occasion to gather to share in the loss of my grandmother Mildred Marriott. It was, however, very nice to see all of my family and lots of my mom's extended family. We hadn't been out to the Sacramento, CA area for 8 years so very little of my mom's family had met Jaden or Clay. It was fun to see all of my cousins and get updates on their lives. It was sad to say goodbye to my grandma but good to hear about her faith in Jesus. There was good and bad along the way. It is just good to be home now...until our next trip in two weeks. We are going to try to lay low for a little while and not do too much.

The picture is of my family, minus two sister-in-laws, 2 nieces and 2 nephews. We still got a nice family picture on a sad day.

day to catch up

2010-06-06T17:47:00.003-05:00

Today I am spending my time sitting in airports. I am on my way to Sacramento for my grandma's funeral. I get the day to myself while Bryan navigates airports and airplanes by himeself with the two boys. We weren't able to get reasonably priced tickets on the same flights. I feel bad for him, as I just heard about Jaden jumping head first over the row of seats in front of them. He is laughing about it now. We can only hope the natural consequences taught him a lesson.

I get the day to myself to catch up on reading, email, blog reading, work, blogging and crossing off other items on my to do list. I am enjoying my day so far and praying for Bryan.

We have experienced a lot over the last week and a half.
Trip to DC.
Friend's wedding.
Lots of hamburgers with DC friends.
Lots of laughing with my boys.
Applying for more NASA jobs.
Looking at potential DC area neighborhoods (if we get jobs there and move back).
Hearing about my maternal grandmother passing away.
Booking tickets to get to the Sacramento, CA area.
Getting time off work.
Hosting 8 of Bryan's extended family in our house.
Throwing Clay's 4th birthday party with 8 little boys and lots of rockets.

Now relaxing in a chilly airport with free, slow WiFi.

I am looking forward to warmth outside in sunny California. I heard it is 90 there today.

2010-05-26T17:34:00.002-05:00

I updated some pics on my picasa site. There are pictures from
our family going to a Twins game at the new stadium,
me in Colorado Springs with my sister's family,
us helping Bryan's brother and family with their new house,
Mother's Day and the awesome orchestra concert attended,
and my sister-in-law, Chrystine's, graduation with her masters in social work!

Enjoy! We are off to Washington DC today for a week. We will have lots of pictures to share so I am glad to be all caught up on updating the family.

smiling because of my boys

2010-05-24T22:00:00.005-05:00

I love it when my boys bring a smile to my face.

I thought they were outgrowing the goodbye waves out the school window this morning. I kissed and hugged both boys goodbye after I dropped them off and helped them switch to their inside shoes. Clay took off and didn't even think about going to the window to say goodbye. Jaden just happened to be talking with a friend at the window. I walked outside. Turned around and Jaden didn't even glance my way. I blew a kiss anyway. So sad but I realize they are constantly getting bigger and older.

Then tonight I left the house to do a little shopping for my friend's wedding this Saturday. As I left both boys ran to the garage door and yelled goodbye! They both blew me multiple kisses. Just melts my heart! I sure love those guys.

work and war

2010-05-18T19:56:00.004-05:00

I am learning all kinds of new words at work lately:
defilade-using an obstacle to conceal or shield
fratricide-killing of a brother; friendly fire

I read the word Warfighter countless times today. This is the first project that I have been constantly reminded that I am helping soldiers. I actually believe this weapon will help soldiers fight wars so that their lives may be spared.

I do not like war and wish we never had to fight wars. That is not the reality we live in. I still wish I was not apart of war by designing weapons.

My job does make me think of soldiers more and how hard their lives must be, especially when at war. I do not keep going back to work because of the soldiers that may be helped. I do not keep going back to work because I think weapons are cool. I do not keep coming back to work because of the day to day tasks that I do.

I keep going back to work because of the people that I am surrounded by. I want to get to know them, invest in them, befriend them, love them and help them move toward God on their spiritual journey.

I just wish, hope and pray that someday soon, I will get to go to work for that reason AND because I love the work that I do. Here's hoping that I get a call for a NASA interview soon.

we have a great babysitter

2010-05-13T21:05:00.002-05:00

Tabitha is our awesome babysitter. The boys love her. She is at our house every Wednesday night for Meal Group and comes sporadically for date nights. She has fun with our kids and takes good care of them. She rarely has anything negative to say about them, which I question, but she says the boys are so good.

Sometimes the boys get to watch movies with Tabitha. She is great about playing board games with the boys. They love to play games! Therefore, they love Tabitha.

Tabitha always makes macaroni and cheese and hot dogs for the boys. They love the routine of it and they love that meal. Again this makes them love her more. I feel a little bad for Tabitha but I try to provide her with other options for her to eat if she is interested.

Last night when she came, she brought 2 packages of sugar cookie dough, frosting and sprinkles. What a great babysitter! I knew the kids would enjoy that.

The boys enjoyed a cookie last night and a couple cookies today. I keep finding sprinkles all over the kitchen but it is worth it. Tabitha is so great, she even does our dishes. I will clean up a few sprinkles any day for someone who loves my boys and does my dishes! Thanks Tabitha.

I love free concerts and being a mom

2010-05-11T21:40:00.004-05:00

I had a great Mother's Day on Sunday with my boys and husband. Bryan's schedule was off because he had been working overnights so I planned to make breakfast with the boys. My favorite breakfasts always involved some yummy, homemade bread/grain treat and fruit and don't forget the chocolate milk. The boys and I decided to make banana pancakes. I love it when they help me in the kitchen. I would love to raise boys who like to cook.

We had banana pancakes 3 times in Honduras and I fell in love with them. So yummy! We made the recipe that we got from some friends in staff housing there. I wasn't sure how they would turn out but they were as good as I remember. We had banana pancakes with syrup, strawberries and chocolate milk.

While we were eating, Jaden asked, "Why do we get chocolate milk?"
I replied, "Because it is a special day for me and I like to share it."
He seemed ok with that answer and any answer would have been just fine.
He was just thinking, "How do I make this happen everyday?"

After our mid-morning breakfast, Bryan planned for us to go to a free orchestra concert at the Landmark Center in downtown St. Paul. The St. Paul Symphony does a free concert there every Mother's Day. We went two years ago and it was my best Mother's Day memory yet. The building is just beautiful and has a huge glass ceiling and atrium. Such a beautiful setting for a concert. The concert was about an hour long and the boys did pretty well with snacks and toys in the balcony. Their favorite part was the guest percussionist that did the last song (26 minutes long). He was amazing and so fun to watch.

We attempted to go for a mid-afternoon lunch/dinner before church at the Cheesecake Factory. We didn't think it would be so busy at 3:30 but we guessed wrong. We ended up going to PF Chang's which was ok but they ran out of everything fun for the kids (no colors or papers or kids chopsticks or magna-doodles) which made the meal not so fun. We ended the night with church and the boys favorite outside game, bocce ball.

It was a great Mother's Day!

broken garage door mama

2010-05-09T11:42:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I joined the ranks of great women: my mom, my mother-in-law and at least one sister-in-law. I ran into the garage door! Thankfully our old door recovered well and my quick instincts made me stop instantaneously. That mother-like instinct of, "I just hit something or ran over something," made me stop right away. I quickly realized it was the garage door and hit the button to stop it. One wheel of the garage door came off the track, which my handy husband, Bryan, was able to fix. I just pushed the bent wooden door back in place.

I think that all of those great women were just distracted by their kids as I was yesterday. All great moms. Happy Mother's Day Mom, Vicki, Roxanne, Nicole, Chrystine and Laura and to all the grandmas!

my smart boys

2010-05-05T17:53:00.004-05:00

I hesitate to write this blog but hopefully it will help me keep things in perspective. Today Bryan and I met with the boys teacher at the Montessori school they attend 3 days a week. I always enjoy talking with Mr. Jason and today was no exception.

We first talked about Clay. We talked about that Clay still observes a lot of work and needs encouragement to perform his own work. He is interested in older materials that are usually not interesting to other 3 year old kids, such as math materials and reading. We were told today that Mr. Jason has observed Clay reading 2 words at different times. We have not been pushing this but he has been going along the journey of Jaden learning to read. Mr. Jason went on to say that in his 10 years of teaching that he has only had one other 3 year old that was so interested in reading at this young of an age. That is pretty cool that Clay is already at that stage. Much sooner than I thought he would be there.

Then we talked about Jaden. He is five and continues to practice reading and language materials. We talked about how he is doing addition in his head already. He has worked some with the math materials but not that much. It seems he has picked it up very easily. We didn't put any effort into teaching him addition (which is unusual because I seem to put effort into everything he learns). He is not only adding numbers up to 10 + 10 and larger, but he is adding them in his head, without paper or using fingers. Bryan thinks he might be a little math whiz.

I am thinking both of our boys are little geniuses. I am just happy knowing that this will make school more enjoyable for them. I hesitate in writing this because I have a problem comparing my boys to other kids. I see other kids and wonder why are my boys not doing that? It makes me feel bad that I am not teaching them more and devoting more time to it. I have way too high of expectations for myself and them. This is just a bad cycle of guilt and feeling like I am not doing enough. I am working on comparing my kids less and realizing that they are individuals and will do things at different times compared to other kids.

I am trying to celebrate my kids learning ability but I hope that this is not causing others to have comparison problems, like me. Through this, I am trying to realize that it is truly God that I have to thank for my boys learning ability. It is because of Him that they are so blessed. Thanks God.

nephews

2010-05-01T22:39:00.005-05:00

Joshua, 4 months old

Gregory, 3 years old

I have 6 nephews (and 2 nieces) and I got to spend over 5 days with 2 of my nephews this week. It was so great to get to know Gregory and Joshua more over the last few days.

Gregory is going to be one of those amazing adults that is so encouraging and positive that you can't help but just want to be around him. He continually compliments people and says nice things. He is the most polite kid I have ever met. His parents are raising him well but I think God has just given him an incredible heart. He has such grown-up emotion about people. I love being around him and he is only three. He and I pulled a bunch of weeds this week and he just kept telling me nice things. "Quel, you doing nice job." "Quel, this looks good." "Quel, you good worker." He always says please and thank you and your welcome. So sweet.

Joshua is one of those kids that you work really hard to raise, especially during infancy, and it causes you to love him more, with quirks and all. He is not an easy-going baby but it feels so good to figure out something that makes him happy. When you make a baby like Joshua happy, it is so rewarding. His smiles in between screams and crying make me want to try harder to please him. He can be cuddly but he wants you to figure him out first. He needs a soft blanket in his hands to hold. He only likes being held in your left arm. Sometimes he just needs to suck on his pacifier in between gulps of the bottle. I love this little, finicky guy.

my sister

2010-04-30T15:15:00.004-05:00

I am heading back to Bloomington today to see my boys and husband after being gone for 6 days. I am very fortunate that I got to help my sister, Roxanne, and her family (Tom, Gregory and Joshua) this week. Roxanne got out of the hospital on Sunday night when I arrived so we got to spend the week together at her house.

Roxanne has recovered quite well. She has some bruising from shots to her stomach and is short of breath sometimes but the pain seems to be getting better. She is one tough woman. I know that most moms are but she was a trooper while taking care of her kids in and out of the hospital. It is amazing what a mom is trained to do after having a kid. We can go through pain and sickness and still make sure that our kids are fed and clothed. Roxanne has reminded me of how true this is.

Roxanne and Tom are both tough people. Both have been in pain at various times throughout the week. Tom had invasive knee surgery a few weeks ago. He is not back to his fully capable self yet so I am glad I could help him out too.

I tried to jump in and help whenever I could with loading and unloading the dishwasher, changing diapers, getting kids dressed, feeding kids, folding clothes and going up and down stairs to get a variety of items. I also helped get some stuff ready for Gregory's 3 year old birthday party tomorrow.

I love my family and love my sister and her family. I want to be a sister and daughter that helps out whenever possible. I know they would have survived without me but I am happy that I got to make their load a little lighter by being there.

family medical issues

2010-04-26T18:24:00.002-05:00

I am in Colorado Springs helping my sister, Roxanne, and her family. She got out of the hospital yesterday after being admitted with multiple blood clots in her lungs. She is still in pain and recovering so it is nice to be here to help with my 4 month old nephew, Joshua, and my almost 3 year old nephew, Gregory. Gregory's birthday is tomorrow so it will be fun to be here for that.

It is very rare for someone as young as my sister (4 years older than me) to get blood clots in her lungs but she has two risk factors: had a baby less than 6 months ago and was on birth control (Yaz which has a higher incidence of clots than other BC pills). I am learning that if you have pain when you breathe, it can be very dangerous. She had pain with every breath, not just deep breaths.

We are all very thankful that she knew that the pain was too much to bear and went into the ER. Things could have been much worse but we are very thankful to God for getting her through this.

I will be here till Friday when I fly home. My husband has been amazing through all of this and has the kids by himself this week. We are getting help from school, my brother and his family, a babysitter and a friend in order to get through this week. We are very grateful to everyone who is helping out while I am out of town.

meal group

2010-04-22T17:29:00.002-05:00

We have a couples Meal Group that meets every Wednesday night, sometimes at our house and usually led by Bryan and me. Last night it was our turn to host. Bryan made the majority of dinner which was a big feat for him because he doesn't like to cook. He made his first turkey! It turned out pretty well but he is even better at mashed potatoes. We had corn and rolls too. I made the gravy and one of my favorite desserts, carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. I am looking forward to dessert leftovers tonight. The cake turned out awesome! I love that recipe even though I only make it about once a year.

We love our meal group. It is not just a small group with our church. We get to share life over meals every Wednesday. I love those couples. They are our family in Minneapolis.

resting is hard

2010-04-17T20:18:00.003-05:00

This morning I went to a women's gathering at my church, Upper Room Community. I was looking forward to the speaker who makes the Bible come alive as we discuss it together. Before her talk all of the women were divided into small groups of 6-10 women. We had a few warm-up questions to help us get to know each other. One of the questions asked was, "If you could have a super-power, what would it be?" I have had this question asked of me before but do not remember what I have answered in the past. Someone else answered first as I was thinking of my answer. I had just bitten into my muffin when my answer just came to me. I had to get it out. There was a pause in conversation and so with food in my mouth, I blurted out clumsily, "I would not want to have to sleep."

This is so telling of me. I was embarrassed after I said it because of the food still in my mouth but probably more so because of what my words say about me. I always feel like there is more to do in this life. It would be so great if I didn't have to sleep. I could get so much done. I clearly have a problem relaxing, as my husband likes to remind me. Why do I feel such a weight to get more done? I really do want to live the best life possible, that God will allow me to live. I want to live every moment like it's my last and squeeze every last little bit of fun, emotion and conversation out of life. I hope that I am doing everything with God's strength and not to impress God or others. I know that there is nothing I can do to get God to love me more.

Somehow I need to realize the benefit of rest and relaxation and rejuvenation and that God commands us to have that in our lives. Remember the Sabbath to keep it holy. Work 6 days and rest on the 7th. What does that look like in our lives today when we work 5 days or 3 days at a job, and take care of our houses and kids? I am still trying to figure that out.

helping the soldiers

2010-04-13T19:37:00.002-05:00

Today was the first day in the last 15 months at work that I truly felt like I was working on a weapon to help a soldier stay alive in Afghanistan. We got feedback on the weapon that it needs to be able to shoot farther distances because the soldiers are getting fired at with rocket propelled grenades at too close of ranges.

Bryan thinks I am working on a pretty cool weapon but I am not in agreement. I never thought I would be working on a gun (weapon) and bullets (ammunition).

The ammunition was #46 on the Time magazine best inventions of 2009. You can read about it here by clicking on 46. The Smart Bullet.

On a side note, I also worked on the best invention of 2009, according to Time. I spent 2 months working on the Ares 1 rocket to replace the Space Shuttle, which is why I took the job I have now. Too bad it didn't last longer.

You know you work on weapons when...(#7)

2010-04-06T21:17:00.004-05:00

...you are told that you will soon be calculating Pi (subscript i), which is the PROBABILITY OF INCAPACITATION! Really!?! This is great motivation to look for another job.

I am working on the most clearly lethal weapon in my repertoire yet. It is a quite powerful and innovative gun. Jaden thinks it is pretty cool, but tries to sympathize by telling me to quit and stay home. Clay feels my agony and thinks I should get another job.

The boys were quite taken by watching a Star Wars cartoon with a friend in Honduras and told me about "a bubble that protects you from guns." Then they asked me if I could make a bubble gun. They think my job is pretty cool even though I don't.

Easter boys

2010-04-05T22:02:00.003-05:00

Here are my sweet, yet rambunctious boys while refusing to pose for pictures.

We had lots of fun this Easter, including 3 egg hunts (probably more to come around our house this week). The boys love hiding and finding anything. We were asked more than a few times if Jesus is still on the cross and, "Where is Jesus now?" I really think the boys just liked hearing us tell them that Jesus is in heaven and all around us.

layoffs and a new manager

2010-04-01T20:40:00.004-05:00

There has been a lot of transition at my workplace the last 2 days. Not good transition. Yesterday 36 people were laid off. There was no warning and no discussion prior to this. The individuals were told to pack of their stuff and leave. The building was drastically affected by this. People were sad and half-moping and half-wondering what is going on.

I wondered why him and not me. I felt bad for my coworkers with no income. I personally new and worked with 2 of the guys. I feel for them but it seems like there is not much I can do.

Yesterday I was also told that I would be getting a new manager and that engineering was getting reorganized. My manager would still have a job but just a different one. I was worried about this because my manager hired me and she is very understanding of me working part-time. She has given me a lot of flexibility that I don't want to lose. Today I found out who my new manager is and it is the best possible option so that is good.

Hopefully next week will be calmer but I am doubtful because I am stuck in a tug-of-war between two programs that want me to work for them and each wants me to only work on their program. We will see...

Honduras pictures

2010-03-29T22:41:00.002-05:00

We posted a summary of our Honduras pictures here. Bryan added comments below the pictures. Bryan and I always have fun taking pictures and this time Kim helped us take some of these.

Stories From Honduras

2010-03-27T11:30:00.006-05:00

Click on each image and zoom to enlarge and read (unless you have super vision).

sometimes I like my job

2010-03-22T21:52:00.002-05:00

There are days when I come home and tell Bryan that I like my job but that doesn't happen often. Today he asked me to repeat myself.
I like writing documents to describe systems.
I like it when I can formulate intelligent questions and get answers from my design team.
I like it when I feel like I am understanding what everyone is talking about.
I like staying busy at work and having things to do that when I know what is required of me.
I also like leaving work early because I worked too many hours last week.

Maybe this work day was so great because it only lasted 6 1/2 hours. Or maybe I actually enjoyed the work that I did. I think the balance keeps me enjoying life more.

potty talk

2010-03-20T13:17:00.003-05:00

This was the conversation I heard from my bed this morning while trying to pretend that the boys can take care of themselves.

Jaden: Clay, come look. (from bathroom)
Clay: What?
Jaden: I pooped a 'J'.
Clay: Oh.
Jaden: Maybe you can poop a 'C'.
Clay: Yeah.

At least Jaden wiped his own bottom this morning. We are still working on bathroom privacy issues and proper conversations.

two working parents

2010-03-15T20:06:00.002-05:00

I am not sure how people do it that have kids and have two parents working full-time. It is always hard for me when I work Wed, Thurs, Fri and then have a 2 days weekend and go back to work on Monday. There is just so much to do for the kids and for our family that it makes life really hard.

I felt pretty good going back to work last Wednesday after returning from Honduras on Monday, but now I am feeling overwhelmed. I am still trying to finish some stuff up for a missionary in Honduras. I need to put a presentation together for work tonight and I am working weird hours Monday and Tuesday this week because we have a vendor visiting. This just throws life up in the air.

Tonight I let the boys watch TV for a little bit while I made dinner. Bryan got home just in time for dinner at 7pm. The boys got dinner and a bath and now are getting to bed after 8pm. That is our life when Bryan and I both work. It makes life hard some days and I am sure thankful that I don't work full-time.

Thankfully not every week is like this but this week I am already looking forward to Wednesday night coming so I can have 4 days off from work. (That is if I don't end up calling in for a meeting on Thursday.)

Kim found God!

2010-03-10T21:51:00.002-06:00

Another Honduras related update...
Bryan's sister, Kim, went with us to Honduras. Originally we asked her to go with us to help take care of the boys so that I could do more to help out around the clinic/hospital. As time went on (in the months before we left), we figured it would be good for her and I to trade off taking care of the kids and take turns helping out. Once we arrived in Honduras and met the 6 single young ladies in staff housing, where we were staying, we reassessed our plans. Bryan and I now wanted to make sure that Kim had as much time as possible to spend with these young Christian women who were devoting a period of their lives to serving others.

Kim made a point to talk with all of them and hear their stories of how they decided to become Christians. I think this really helped Kim on her spiritual journey. We also had her read The Shack and talked with her about it. We also made it a point to talk with her about faith and making a decision. Bryan talked one night, late into the night with her.

Then on the night we flew back, Jaden asked Kim, "Kim, why don't you like Jesus?" We did not put those words in his mouth. We have been praying a lot for Kim to find God and come to know and love Jesus. Kim tried avoided the question and I pushed Jaden to get her to answer. The conversation was over after Kim said, "I do like Jesus." That didn't mean much to me but apparently it got Kim thinking.

We had one more spiritual conversation with her before she left for her drive from Minneapolis back to Fargo on Tuesday. She definitely had some things to think about in the car.

We got a phone call from Kim when she was almost to Fargo. This was possibly the greatest phone call I have every received. She talked with Bryan and I heard Bryan say, "So, you are a Christian?" I wanted to get on the phone and hear the story. Kim told me that she found God! Between Jaden's question, our many conversations, meeting some Christian peers and some inspiring music, Kim found God! She is still searching and wanting to deepen her faith but she is on the right path. She found salvation in Jesus and realized that she needed to be saved.

Talking with her again tonight made it so real. She made this decision and she means it. This is so inspiring to me. It deepens my faith to know that God answers prayer and he is still moving on Earth today.

Kim is an amazing sister-in-law, my little sis. She has so much potential in this life and now that she has God, I can't wait to see how He will inspire her to use her gifts. She has an amazing eye for photography and is a talented graphic designer. She is the friendliest person I know and gets along well with anyone. Kim is even more amazing now that she has added God into the equation.

day 19 of 19: we're home to the cold

2010-03-08T22:36:00.002-06:00

We are back in our house and it is cold. We set the heat to 60 degrees F while we were gone and we need some heat. It is hard coming back to the cold. I really hope that sunshine comes to Minnesota soon. At least the temperature is supposed to be in the 40's the next couple of days.

This morning we had to get up at 5:30am to catch our ride to the airport. We got our Honduran breakfast to go. We enjoyed fried plantains with Honduran cream, scrambled eggs, toast and fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe, apples and papaya). I will miss the plantains. I am sure I will be making them sometime soon.

We had layovers in Miami and Chicago. We just recently got home at 9:30 so it has been a long day. We are happy to be home and now have the day tomorrow to unpack before we both head back to work on Wednesday.

We have lots to process from Honduras from all we saw and did there.
Stay tuned...